Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Tempest in the Pool

The sports world was shocked after hearing the Beverly Hills, Ca police chief announcing that Suzy Schwarzberg, the coach of the US olympic synchronized swimming team voluntarily admitted to taking contraceptives and giving them to some team members. Although the US Synchronized Swimming Chapter (USSC) of the US Olympic Commission does not explicitly forbid the use of performance-enhancing drugs the news created shockwaves across the nation and even reached Congress. In a special session of the senate Senator George Thornton, the oldest senator breathing, announced
"This is as much as we can bear. Do I have to suspect that wonderful group of women with those fascinating legs whenever I watch them? I love synchronized swimming and I watch it almost every day on my digital TV right after I wake up from my afternoon nap. Are they going to ruin one of the few pleasures left to me in my old age?" and the nation identified with him wholeheartedly. The pressure on the President to sign a bill which will prohibit any use of drugs underwater and authorize the FDA to implement it was enormous and he had no choice but sign it. Now the public anger was directed towards Ms. Schwarzberg and many called for her immediate impeachment especially after Senator Thornton announced that he will go to to Panama with his mistress if she is not. Only after Ms. Schwarzberg agreed to appear nude on the front page of the Wall Street Journal, support gay marriage in public, and be interviewed by Barbara Walters on the View did the public rage subside a bit.
The first two promises were easily and even joyfully fulfilled. Now only the third promise, the interview, had to be fulfilled in order for Ms.Schwarzberg to be pardoned by the American public.
The interview which was broadcast as a special edition of "Rightline" was a huge success. As a matter of fact, the number of people who turned on their TVs especially for that program was the third highest since the number of viewers of Superbowl XVII. and of American Idol IV combined.
"How could you?" Ms. Walters asked Ms. Schwarzberg at the beginning of the interview.
This got Ms. Schwarzberg totally out of balance and she just blushed and did not answer. Ms. Walters however had no intention of letting up.
"Didn't you know that you are a role model, that millions of young girls follow you and imitate every step of yours?" she asked.
"I did," Ms. Schwarzberg whispered.
"So how did it make you feel?" Ms. Walters continued.
At this point Ms. Schwarzberg could not take it any longer and started crying while Ms. Walters handed her a box of napkins.
"I only did it because of my mother," Ms. Schwarzberg said after she calmed down a bit.
"What do you mean?" asked Ms. Walters.
"My mother always told me that she should have taken the pill," said Ms. Schwarzberg.
This answer changed Ms. Walters' attitude completely. She immediately began hugging Ms. Schwarzberg and stroking her head.
"So you wanted to prove her wrong?" she asked.
"Exactly," Ms. Schwarzberg agreed "I just had to."
"Thank you so much, Suzy. I may call you Suzy, I hope," said Ms. Walters.
"Sure, Barbara," said Suzy "and thank you so very much."
They kissed each other and remained friends for good according to the Enquirer.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Two Tests

Today I have the driving test. I need to change my underpants because who knows, the tester may be disgusting like the tester in my last test. After I tried several times to move the car and failed he said "Madam, I'm afraid you have a restless leg syndrome. Let me try to help you." and then he put his hand on my knee.
I was sure at that point that I will pass the test. After all, none of my previous testers were as friendly to me as he was, but then we had the accident with the dog. I saw the dog crossing the street right in front of us and I tried to brake, but the tester's hand which was slightly above my knee on its way north prevented me from lifting my leg and braking. This is why I ran over the poor dog. Needless to say, neither the tester nor the cop who showed up soon after, liked it, and the cop gave me a ticket even though I tried to explain to him that it was not exactly my fault. I even tried to challenge him to try driving with my hand on his knee so he could see how tough it is, to which he responded very enthusiastically. Still, he insisted on giving me the ticket and promised me that with my qualifications I will undoubtedly succeed to convince the judge of my innocence.
"Innocence?" I said "Sir, I am not as innocent as I look. I was not born yesterday even though this anti-aging cream makes me look like I was. I have already used all the money that I made last night on driving lessons and I can't afford to pay any fines."
but even this did not move him. All he wanted to do was drive with my hand on his knee.
We began driving towards the beach when suddenly I felt his hand on my chest.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing" he said "just checking your pulse to make sure that you are not overly excited."
"And why should I be excited?" I asked.
"Some people are," he said. "Better be safe than sorry."
We continued to drive when suddenly he said "Oh, oh, your pulse rate is too high. This may be due to breathing difficulties. Let me help you." and he started unbuttoning my shirt.
"Feeling better now?" he asked.
"A little bit" I said.
"Good, but we can do better than that," he said and unhooked my bra.
This really improved my breathing but then I noticed that he is getting overly excited. He began breathing heavily and there was a swelling in his pants.
"Are you all right?" I asked.
He breathed so heavily he could barely answer but then he opened his fly and pulled out something that looked like a hot dog.
"What is this?" I asked "a hot dog?"
My question pleased him and he smiled.
"Yes, it's a hot dog," he said.
"Are you hungry?" I asked him.
"I am hungry for you" he said.
"Then let's find something real to eat instead of this lousy hot dog," I suggested.
"Whatever you say," he apparently was offended by my comment about his hot dog.
Right then I spotted a Dunkin Donuts sign in front of us and I told him
"See, I already found for you a place to eat."
We stopped at the Dunkin Donuts and he swallowed a dozen donuts right there. After that he could barely move and we drove back to my home. He moved in with me right away and declared that he wants to marry me. I had no objection - in my line of work it's good to have connections with the police, but after a while he started to get on my nerves, if you know what I mean. Every day he was testing me, pulling that thing from his pants and asking
"What is this?"
and only after I answered "Hot dog" did he leave me alone.
Finally the wedding day came. In the evening before it he decided to test me again. He pulled that thing from his pants and asked
"What is this?"
"It's a hot dog" I answered, but then he said
"No, now that we are going to get married it's time that you know the truth. This is not a hot dog. This is a penis."
"What?" I laughed "you call this a penis? A penis should be long and thick. This is not a penis. This is a hot dog."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Big Surge

(submitted for Blog Action Day 2009)
The sunlight woke James up. He did not hear anything and that bothered him.
"Where is everybody?" he wondered.
He was hungry and the hunger made him get up on his feet and look for some food but he could not find any, and he started to wander around. Suddenly he saw the sea in front. Then everything came back to him. He remembered how he tried to convince the other village people to climb the mountain with him before the sea level rises instead of sleeping on the beach where they had landed with their boats.
"The boats," he asked himself "Where are the boats?"
He checked the sea in front of him and finally succeeded to see three boats at some distance from the coast. He knew that there is some food on the boats. He remembered how they had loaded food onto the boats the night before they were forced to leave the island because of the rising sea level. Did they leave all the food in the boats? he wondered. It made sense to him. If they were too tired to climb the mountain with me, he decided, they must have been too tired to unload the food from the boats and they went to sleep hungry. But where are they? After trying for a while to make up his mind, his hunger convinced him that his only chance was to swim to the nearest boat and get his food there.
He began to go down the mountain toward the coast, all the way looking around, hoping to see some of his buddies but he did not see anything except a few birds and squirrels. When he reached the coast he was hot and sweating and without hesitation he jumped into the water and began swimming towards the boat. Suddenly he saw an object in the water in front of him. He did not recognize what it was until he approached it and when he did he was shocked - it was a human body. It took him some time to recover from his shock. Now he finally understood what happened to the other village people and he was determined not to let this happen to him. He continued to swim and on his way saw some other human bodies floating in the water. Only after he was convinced that there was no energy left in his body did he reach the boat and with his last forces succeeded to mount it. There was indeed some food in the boat and he just swallowed everything he could lay his hands on, and then fell asleep.
When he woke up he saw a white wall in front of him. He yawned and then fell asleep again.
He was waken up by some human voices who spoke a language which he did not understand. They were happy and shook his hand. A few minutes later another guy wearing a white gown, evidently a doctor, came in.
"Here you are," he said. "How are you?"
"I'm ok," said James. "Where am I?"
"You are here," said the doctor "on board of the White Angel. We are a rescue ship sent by the Red Cross to save the survivors of the Big Surge, but so far you are the only one."
"The Big Surge?" asked James.
"Yes," said the doctor "This is similar to the Tsunami but it is caused by an unexpected stream of water from the North Pole due to the global warming."
"Really?" asked James and fell asleep again.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

They Tell You

They tell you what’s cool, they tell you who’s hot.
They tell you what’s good for you, and mainly what’s not.
How much to drink, what not to inhale.
What not to ask, and whom not to tell.
Whom to adore, and what to admire.
What to abhore, and what to desire.
When you should laugh, and when be irate.
Whom you should love, and what you must hate.
They tell you what’s right. They tell you who’s wrong,
and you have to listen, and just play along.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Worst Sin - a Yom Kippur Tale

It was Yom Kippur, judgment day. After taking care of all the easy cases it was time to judge the heavy sinners. They were all going to hell, for sure, but even in hell there are bad places and worse places, and each of the sinners had to be assigned his proper place.There are seven chambers in hell. Chamber 1 is bad but not as bad as Chamber 2. Chamber 2 is worse than Chamber 1, but still not nearly as bad as Chamber 3. The worst is Chamber 7.
After sitting in his chair, God told the bailiff, "Ok, send in the first sinner."
The first sinner came in.
"What is his sin?" God asked the clerk.
"He is a thief. He stole things that did not belong to him."
"What exactly did he steal?" asked God.
"You name it," said the clerk "When he was a small boy he stole toys from other children. He stole money from his mother. When he grew up he stole cars. People worked all their lives to get those things, and he just took them."
"Hm," said God. "This is bad, but I'll give him a break. Put him in Chamber 1."
The bailiff took the sinner out.
"Ok, " said God. "Send in the second sinner."
The second sinner stepped in.
"What sins did he commit?" asked God.
"He is a bigot," said the clerk. "He hates everybody who is different from him. He hates people with different color of skin, different religion, different accent. He offended people, discriminated against them, and made their lives miserable."
"This really makes me angry," said God. "I created all those people, and I created them equal. No one is better or worse than the others. Send him to Chamber 4."
The bailiff took the sinner out.
"Do we have more?" God asked the clerk.
"I'm afraid so," said the clerk.
"Then what exactly are we waiting for?" God told the bailiff. "Bring in the next one."
The third sinner entered the room.
"What did he do?" asked God.
"He is a liar," said the clerk.
"And whom did he lie to?" asked God.
"To everybody," said the clerk. "He lied to his parents, he lied to his teachers, he lied to his friends, to his wife, even to his children. Everybody. He cheated people out of their money. He even lied to the police and had innocent people put in jail."
"This is bad," said God. "Take him to Chamber 2. How many more do we have?"
"Four," said the clerk.
"Four?" God sighed. "This job is getting harder and harder or maybe I am getting older. Looks like every year we have more sinners. All right, send in the next one."
The bailiff brought in the fourth sinner.
"What is his sin?" God asked.
"He was cruel to animals," replied the clerk. "He beat dogs, cut lizards tails off, burnt cats, plucked the legs off cockroaches …"
"Ok, Ok," God got sick. "I've heard enough."
He turned to the sinner and said, "Do you know who created those animals? I did. When you hurt them you're hurting me. I am sending you to Chamber 5."
"Chamber 5?" the sinner could not believe his ears.
"You heard me," God answered.
"I am ready for the next one," God told the bailiff "Bring him in."
The next sinner showed up.
"What did he do?" asked God.
"Just a minute," said the clerk. "I need to check my notes."
"OK," said God. "But hurry up. We don't have all day, you know."
"Here," said the clerk after a few minutes. "I found it. This guy was irresponsible."
"What do you mean?" asked God.
"He left his family - a wife and five children. As if it wasn't bad enough for his children to grow up without a father, he also took all the money and left them with nothing. His wife had to take three jobs to put food on the table," the clerk said.
"What did he do with the money?" God asked.
"He spent it, or more correctly wasted it, on his own pleasures," the clerk answered. "He bought himself a new car, a boat. He gambled, he drank. This kind of stuff."
"This guy makes me sick," said God. "I have no sympathy for him. Put him in Chamber 3."
"Shall we take a break?" asked the clerk.
"No," said God. "Let's get it over with. Bring in the next one."
The next sinner was brought in.
"And what is he here for?" God asked.
"This is a heavy one," said the clerk. "He is a killer. He took from people the most important thing - their lives."
"I am not sure that this is the most important thing," God interrupted the clerk, "but it is very important. Continue."
"Not only did he take the lives of his victims, but he also ruined the lives of their families, caused pain to their friends,
"Ok, Ok," said God. "I get the picture, and I agree with you. This is a very heavy sin. I am the one who gives life and I am the only one who can take it away. Put him in Chamber 6. Is he the last one?"
"No," said the clerk. "There is one more."
"And I thought we've heard all the possible sins," said God. "What did this one do?"
"Nothing," said the clerk.
"What do you mean nothing?" asked God. "Then why is he here? Doing nothing may be lazy, but it isn't a sin, last time I checked."
"Well, then, check again," said the clerk. "I believe that doing nothing is a horrible sin."
"How so?" asked God.
"This guy saw horrible crimes and did nothing to prevent them. He saw people cheated and did not tell them the truth. He saw animals tortured and did not treat them. He saw bigotry and did not fight it. He saw injustice and did not correct it. He saw children starving and did not feed them. He saw people attacked and did not defend them. I accuse him of the worst sin - indifference. It is people like him who make all the other sins possible."
"You know what?" said God. "You convinced me. This is the worst sin. He belongs in Chamber 7."

Saturday, August 8, 2009


A poem based on a famous Israeli folk song

When God introduced animals to this earth
He gave each twenty years from their birth to their death.
Twenty years to the donkey, twenty years to the hog,
twenty years to the monkey, and the same to the dog.

"Twenty years in the water?
That's too long" said the fish
"You can give half of that
to whomever you wish."

The man who heard that immediately said
"It's still better than death.
I am willing to take it
for whatever it's worth."

Then came the rabbit and said to the Lord
"Oh, thank you my Lord, this is more than enough
I would readily settle for half of this life
in which every damned day is a fight to survive."

God looked around and then saw the man
"Are you ready for more?" he asked him again
"Of course," said the man "I don't see why not.
If they give, you should take. This is what I was taught."

and so, one by one, every creature on earth
gave some of their lives to the man who loathed death
until, at the end, there was not one complaint
except for the man who is never content.

Ever since then, men have very strange lives
For the first twenty years they live like they should
but the rest is a mixture and not quite as good -
they work like a horse, eat like a pig, and fight to survive.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Money Matters

I met my cousin Dick on his way to the bank. He was very cheerful and couldn't stop laughing.
"What's up, Dick?" I asked him.
"I'll tell you later," he said and kept on laughing.
Only when he came to visit me three days later did he tell me his story.
"You know, Ben," he said. "I never really appreciated money."
"Right," I said "especially when you owed it."
He ignored my remark and continued
"See, the main thing I know about money is what my father, the cheap bastard, taught me - the more you give the less you have," he said.
"That's correct," I had to agree.
"And this is exactly why I don't give," he explained "and why I always have enough money even though my wife still thinks that the $ sign stands for "only". As a matter of fact, I am making as much money as Bill Gates does."
"Oh really?" I said.
"Yes," he answered. "It only takes me longer to make it."
"All that was true until three days ago," he continued. "That was the first time that I let money get to me."
"Yes," I said. "I remember. That was when I saw you laughing all the way to the bank, as they say."
"Well," he said "I did laugh all the way to the bank but I cried all the way back after what happened there."
"Why?" I asked "What happened there?"
"It all began earlier in the day. As I woke up I went to my computer as always to check my emails. As happens often I forgot my password so I clicked on the line that said "Forgot your password?" and the computer answered immediately
"Too bad, Buddy."
At that point I should have known that this is not going to end well, but I continued anyhow and after a short search found my password and went on to check my emails. The first email on the list was this," he said, and then pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to me. It said

From:"Dr Abba Muhammad"Subject: PLEASE RESPOND ASAP. Date: Sunday, November 18, 2007 1:52:48 PM [View Source]NIGERIAN PORTS AUTHORITY HEADQUARTERS SHIP HOUSE MARINA-EAST LAGOS, NIGERIA. From the desk of: DR. ABBA MUHAMMAD DIRECTOR OF FINANCE .( NPA) HELLO, URGENT INVESTMENT PROPOSAL Although this proposal might come to you as a surprise, since is from someone you do not know or have seen before, but based on recommendations, I gathered from a very reliable source here in Nigeria . I am the director and fund coordinator of the finance contract department of Nigeria ports authority. The crux of this letter is that the finance/contract department of the NPA deliberately over inflated the contract value of various contract awarded. In the course of the disbursement, my office was able to track down the sum of US$23.5M (Twenty-Three Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars) as the over invoiced sum. This money is now floating in the NPA domiciliary account with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).I and my colleagues now want to quickly transfer this fund to a safe nominated foreign account for possible investment. We are not allowed as a matter of government policy to operate any foreign account because of our status as civil/public servants hence the need to solicit for your full banking details, to enable us transfer this money into your account. Upon your acceptance this proposal, we have also agreed on a sharing ratio: (1)30% for you as the account owner (2)60% for my colleagues and I (3)10% will be set aside to defray all incidental expenses both locally and internationally during the cause of this transaction. Furthermore we shall be coming over to your country when the money is finally in your account and we shall be relying on your advise as regards to investment of our share, be informed that this business is genuine and 100%safe considering the high powered government officials involved. Send the following information; 1.Your direct email address 2.Your phone number for effective communication This is to effect the swift transfer of this fund into your account in less than (7) working days. I await your most positive response.Yours faithfullyDR. ABBA MUHAMMAD DIRECTOR.( NPA)

"When I read this email I was immediately touched by its sincerity." Dick said. "Dr. Muhammad did not even try to conceal the fact that he is acting against his government's policies, but he was careful enough to make sure that my money is 100% safe and to come here in person in order to verify that the money is paid to its legal owner, that's me. Furthermore, he is willing to listen to my financial advice. What else can you ask for?"
"Sounds convincing," I agreed "especially coming from a doctor. So what happened?"
"I needed a loan in order to pay you back the money that I owe you, so I went to the bank and asked to talk to the manager and showed him this email in order to convince him to give me that loan," he said.
"And?" I was in suspense for obvious reasons now.
"He was quiet for a second and then he showed me an email that he had received. It said that Dr. Muhammad was arrested in Nigeria on charges of racketeering," Dick said.
"The only reason I'm telling you this is that I want you to know why I won't be able to pay you back right now."
Dick was about to cry and I too was devastated.
"What do you care?" I said after a while. "You did not lose anything."
"Yes, I did," said Dick "I lost my innocence."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

English 1on1

I know it's hard to believe but I was a pretty good student in high school. I excelled in Home Economics and Choir, but I am most proud of the A that I got in English which goes to show you that what you really need in order to succeed in school is having the right motivation. Luckily, I had that motivation from the moment I laid my eyes on our English teacher. She was such a lovely creature and was so plentiful, if you know what I mean. I always thought of her as the land of milk (in the north) and honey (you know where). God blessed her with everything a man can want in a woman - all in generous proportions and in the right places. The only things God did not bless her with were clothes in the right size. Her clothes were always too narrow and did not leave much room to anything , especially not to imagination. That was probably because she washed them very often and that made them shrink.
I, of course, was not the only one who noticed those wonderful qualities of hers. All the male students in our class did, and every day before she was about to enter our classroom we made sure to put the chalk and the eraser on the floor. Thus, the first thing she did as she entered our classroom was bending over in order to pick them up. That was the moment that we were all waiting for. By the time she reached the floor all of us were on our tiptoes trying to catch as much of the view as we could. Then she would rise and ask some (mostly male) student something. Usually the selected student would almost faint and only after a few failed attempts succeed in stuttering an answer. Needless to say, these guys were too pathetic to be my rivals and with the slightest effort (what's one sleepless night in comparison to the prospect of eternal love?) I always defeated them and easily became the best student in class.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Saturday, May 30, 2009


If there is something that our town is famous for it is tradition. We are very traditional people and we pass those traditions from one generation to the next. How were those tradition born? Sit still and I'll tell you.
A few years ago our mayor had to quit his job because he was caught driving under the influence and since it was out of town the highway patrol did not know who he was and arrested him. He was brought to the judge. As soon as the judge heard the case he decided to get the mayor's job for his son, Charlie. Because there is another thing that all of us have in common - we all take care of our own, regardless of qualifications. The judge's son, for instance, had no qualifications whatsoever and could not get any job, and that worried his father and especially his father-in-law, the sheriff. They tried to make him a prison guard but he lost the keys to the prison and some inmates found them and got away. It was only then that the judge and the sheriff reached the conclusion that the only way to find him a job is by using their most important asset, namely their connections. Together they went to the council meeting and after a few promises and threats the council finally voted to grant Charlie a job interview.
When the judge got home that evening he wanted to have a talk with his son in order to tell him the good news, but he couldn't find him. He asked his wife
"Say, Doly. You haven't happened to see Charlie, have you?"
"I reckon he's in the bar," she said.
"What?" the judge yelled "I go to the council to find him a job and he just sits in the bar getting drunk? I'm gonna get the son of a bitch, you hear me?"
He went to the living room and came back with his shotgun.
"You be careful," Doly told him. "Remember the last time you used it you almost killed yourself."
The judge did not answer and just left the house and went straight to the bar. When he got there the place was crowded. He tried to find a seat near the counter but all the seats were taken. He looked around and his eyes fell on a young guy whom he did not know. He turned to the guy and said
"Hey, dude. Do you know who I am?"
"Don't know and don't care," the dude said.
"I'm the judge," the judge said "and I'm looking for my son."
"Well," the dude who was already drunk said " I'm Columbus and I'm looking for the place where the sun don't shine."
The judge didn't know how to respond but right at that moment he saw the sheriff get into the bar and he waived to him. The dude thought that the judge was about to hit him and immediately got off his seat and punched the judge in the face. Suddenly there was silence in the bar. Everyone was looking at the judge to see what his next step will be. The judge did not hesitate. He grabbed the dude's stool and hit him on his head. The dude fell to the floor and remained motionless.
"Oh, my goodness!" the waitress screamed and all of a sudden the bar became tumultuous.
Having no other way to silence the crowd in the bar, the sheriff pulled out his gun and shot in the air. The bar became quiet again.
"Nobody is allowed to leave the bar before answering our questions, this is the law," the sheriff announced, and immediately afterwards began interviewing the people in the bar. That process, however, was very slow and the crowd in the bar became impatient and began to complain. The sheriff understood that something has to be done. He got on his feet and announced
"You can have your drinks while you're waiting for your interview."
This announcement was accepted with applause by the crowd and an hour later everyone in the bar was totally drunk.
It was already late in the afternoon the next day when most of the people in the bar arrived at their homes and went straight to sleep. That day, April 22, is known in our town as "Bar Day" and is celebrated every year. All the bars in town offer free drinks to everybody on that day.
This is how tradition is born.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Jim and the Police

My buddy Jim got a new car and invited me to join him for a ride. We were going along I-10 when suddenly we heard a siren behind us. It was a police car signaling us to stop. Jim stopped and the police car stopped right behind us. After checking Jim's driver's license and registration the policeman asked Jim
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," said Jim "I don't."
"Good," the cop smiled "so that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, right?"
Jim was not amused at all. When we finally arrived home with the ticket he was mad as hell.
"Those smart asses think they're funny but I'll show them, you'll see," he said.
A week later Jim called me and invited me to go with him to Phoenix and I accepted. We were not very far from Phoenix when again we heard a siren behind us. Jim stopped the car and told me
"Now you'll see what I'm going to do to them."
In the meantime the cop got off his car, approached us and told Jim"Good morning, sir. Can I have your driver's license please?"
"I don't have any," said Jim
"Ok," said the cop "can I have your registration papers please?"
"I don't have them either," Jim replied.
"What do you have in the trunk?" asked the cop.
"Drugs," said Jim.
"Hold on for just a minute," the cop said and then went back to his car, called his chief and told him what happened.
At this point I began to worry and wondered what Jim had in mind, but I didn't say anything.
The chief showed up five minutes later and went directly to Jim with the cop right behind him.
"Can I have your driver's license please?" he asked Jim.
"Sure," said Jim and handed him his driver's license.
"Can I have your registration?" the Chief asked Jim.
"Of course," said Jim and gave him the registration papers.
"Please open your trunk," the chief asked, and Jim complied.
The chief inspected the trunk and did not find anything. He then turned to the cop and told him
"You told me that he doesn't have a driver's license, and yet he's got one, you told me that he doesn't have registration and here is his registration, you told me that he has drugs in the trunk but the trunk is clean."
At this point Jim broke into the conversation and told the chief "Now he's going to tell you that I was speeding."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Lehman Brothers' Story

The Lehman brothers were separated at conception and even their mother could not tell them apart. She was desperate and the only thing she could think of was to ask the experts on Oprah. They all agreed that the best thing to do is to ask a doctor which, after some hesitation, she decided to do. She called her doctor and from that moment on her luck changed. The doctor agreed to see her as soon as he'll be back from his golf vacation.
On the day in question she woke up early, took a shower, changed her underpants because you never know with those doctors, and after putting on her makeup showed up in the doctor's office with the two brothers. Two and a half short hours later she entered the examination room, and it did not take more than another half hour for the doctor to show up.
"Hi, Ms. Lehman," the doctor said "What brought you here?"
"Hi, Dr. Phil," she answered. "It was bus no. 7."
"I guess you didn't come here just to see me," he said.
"Why not?" she said. "You are not so bad looking."
"Yes," the doctor said with a modest smile on his face "This is what they tell me. How can I help you?"
"I have a problem with these two," she said "I can't tell them apart."
"Hmm," said Dr. Phil. "This is probably an identity problem. Let me ask them a few questions."
"Go ahead," she said.
"What is your name?" he asked one of the brothers.
"Lehman," the boy answered.
"And what is your name?" he asked the other brother.
"Lehman," that brother answered.
"Which one of them is older?" he asked Ms. Lehman.
"I don't know," she said. "You see, they were separated at conception."
"So you had a threesome?" asked Dr. Phil.
"Yes," said Ms. Lehman. "I had three and then some. I don't even remember how many."
"Well," said the doctor "the only advice I can give you is to wait till they grow up and then the differences will become clearer."
He went to the door and was about to leave when all of a sudden he stopped and said
"Wait a minute, maybe we can do it right now. Let me give it a try."
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" he asked one of the brothers.
"I want to be a banker," the boy said.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" he asked the other brother.
"I want to be an investment banker," the other boy answered.
"What's the difference?" the doctor asked.
"What? You don't know?" the brothers said simultaneously "and you call yourself a doctor?"

Monday, May 4, 2009


If you are on the internet you better like surveys because surveys are one of the best things that the internet has to offer. The only exceptions I can think of are those emails which request your help in transferring some huge heritage from Nigeria to your bank account and the announcements from the DESK OF LOTERIA PRIMITIVA INTERNATIONAL that you have won (for sure, not just "may have won") the amount of one million euros ONLY. Other than that, the main attraction of the internet are without a doubt the surveys.
This is why there are literally thousands of companies who only do surveys, and their goal is to give you, the consumer, the opportunity to express your opinions. Isn't this what democracy is all about? And honestly what's there not to like? It's true that those surveys may take some of your time, but this is a minor shortcoming if you consider their promises. Basically what they tell you is that if you are willing to share your opinions (and, frankly, who doesn't? opinions and troubles are some of the few things that most people are willing to share with little or no hesitation) you may win a free laptop or at least an ipod. Don't worry, the questions you are asked on those surveys are not very hard to answer. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to answer them. They don't expect you to express your opinion about the theory of relativity (I think it sucks, but this is only my opinion, feel free to express yours), all they want you to do is to tell them whether you have diabetes and you live in the US. If you have diabetes and do not live in the US, too bad. You have no chance of winning the laptop or even the ipod. This is one of the major characteristics of diabetes - if you want to take full advantage of it you have to live in the US. If you don't, you won't qualify. Now, if I were in such an unfortunate situation, I would immediately cross the border into the US, and I would do it as fast as I can because this offer is about to expire soon, and then what would you do? If you decide not to take that offer, forget it. There is a limit to their generosity. They are not giving those laptops and ipods to everyone, just to people who suffer from that horrible illness and clearly need a laptop or at least an ipod to maintain a reasonable standard of living.
There is only one way around it - they are willing to enter you into the sweepstakes, even when you don't have diabetes, if you show them that you are interested in improving your education (and frankly you should - only an uneducated person wouldn't take advantage of that fabulous diabetes offer). It all makes perfect social sense - they will help you if your health situation is desperate or if you are willing to improve your education. This is what made this country great - if you are not horribly sick, the least you can do is improve your education, and this is exactly what these survey companies are here for - helping people who are in desperate situations or are willing to help themselves. Can you think of a nobler cause than that?
But this is not the end of their generousity, not by a long shot. They are willing to help you in many other ways as well. For instance, let's say you need to put a mortgage on your house in order to pay your debts. All you need to do then is give them a few minor details about yourself, your bank account, your spouse's age (this may pose some risks), and your credit card number, and they will take care of the rest. There is no reason for you to worry day and night about your debts, especially when there are such wonderful companies which are willing to risk their own reputation just in order to help you. No? You don't want to mortgage your house? They can still help you. They can, for instance, get you a new cable service. It may cost you a little bit more than your current cable service, but at least you'll know that you are helping those companies, which means that you are helping those miserable people with diabetes or people who need to improve their education. Isn't it worth it to you? What are a few bucks compared to the feeling that you are helping your fellow man in a time of dire need?
The best offer of them all is home business. This is really a dream come true. It is well-known that by working from home you can make the money you always dreamed about, live in a house which will be the envy of all your friends, travel anywhere you feel like, and even give some to charity, thus ensuring your place in Heaven. If you don't believe it just read the testimonies of some of the lucky people who took advantage of this fantastic offer. They are there, on the website. And what are you missing? Going to work every morning, sweating for someone else? If you decide, like you should, to work from home, you will not have to be away from your family during the whole day. You can stay with them, and no doubt they will be so much happier. What do you need to do in order to have all that? Just order a CD or video cassette and they will tell you. It will, of course, cost you a few bucks, covering the shipping and handling (after all, you can't expect them to carry all the financial burden by themselves just in order to make you rich) but isn't it worth it to you?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Girl of My Nightmares

A wannabe country love song

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she tortures me to death.
It’s her who gave me ulcers,
she ruined my mental health.

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she made my life a mess.
Her cat pooped on my mattress,
her pitbull bit my ass.

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she drained my bank account,
and when I tried to stop her
she kicked me where it counts.

She's the girl of my nightmares,
I've let her drive my truck,
and seven minutes later
she ran over a skunk.

She's the girl of my nightmares,
she haunts me day and night.
Oh, God, why can't you make her
go back to Shaker Heights?

Thursday, April 2, 2009


For me, the best time of the year is April 15 - tax time. I even named my first daughter April. I wanted to call her Iris after the IRS, but my wife objected, because this is her brother’s name. April 15 is the only time of the year I’m happy I didn’t make more money - how would I pay those taxes?
But the real fun is, of course, filling those forms. First, you have to figure out what form to use. There is 1040, there is 1040A which is the Cliff Notes version of 1040, and there is 1040EZ. This is the one my sister uses.
The IRS is planning new forms. One is 1040BS - a special form for talk-show hosts. Another is 1040OJ which allows you to deduct your ex-wife burial expenses.
They even have a special tax form for aliens. It’s called 1040ET.
I think this is the best defense we have against alien invasion. Let them pay those taxes and I bet you they’ll think twice before coming to here. If, like most of us, they insist on paying those taxes, they don’t even have to make the trip, because the IRS has a new invention. It’s called TELETAX. It works like 1-800-collect, only the IRS are the ones who collect.
1040 is, of course, the heavy one. I don’t really use it, but I keep it on the bookshelf, next to Dracula, just to impress my in-laws. “Gee, son, you use the 1040. You must be making real money,ha?”
I wonder whether anybody reads the whole thing. Well, I do. I just finished the 2004 edition and can’t wait to start the 2005 sequel, because right on page 4 the IRS tells you how much they improved it. And they did.
This year the new feature is a CD which you can play on your home entertainment system. The music is great. I think they took it from Les Miserables.
For me, 1040 is the great American epic. And you get it every year for free. Is this a great country or what?
This is like having a new release of “Star Wars” every year.
I think the IRS should introduce some action figures to go along with the 1040.
There should be C3PO. This, of course, is your accountant.
Then there should be the Ewoks. These are your dependents.
The 1040 has everything in it - marriage, divorce, winning, losing. It even has drama. For instance, on page 5 you have “To file or not to file?” and on page 32 you have “Death of a taxpayer”. But the best thing about the 1040 is the suspense - you never know what’s going to happen next. You don’t even know what the next page is going to be, because they tell you “If the amount on line 27 is more than $18,000 go back to page 13.” Bummer.
My favorite part of the 1040 is line 33a. This is the part where they tell you “If you are blind, check this box.”
The IRS is the nicest Government agency we have. They’ll do anything to help you. First, they tell you your rights: “You have the right to be treated fairly, professionally, promptly, and courteously. You have the right to an accountant. If you can’t afford one ...”
Then, on page 33 they tell you “You don’t have to figure your penalties. We will do it for you.” Gee, thanks.
The IRS is also trying to save you time. For instance, they have a new form called 1040V (for “Vampire”) and there you only need to give the first 4 letters of your last name. This will save Americans a total of 227 million seconds.
If, for example, your last name is Olajuwan, you only need to write “Olaj” - a saving of 6.4 seconds.
If your name is Smith you only need to write “Smit” - a saving of only 1.6 seconds.
And if your name is Dickerson you only need to write ...
You get the point.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mr. Blackwell and Dr. Hyde

A Hollywood horror story

During the day time Dr. Hyde, the plastic surgeon, was the nicest of people. He did whatever his celebrated patients asked him to do, be it a nose job, breast enhancement, or liposuction..
But as soon as the sun set on Sunset Boulevard, the day turned into night, and he came back to his home in Beverly Hills and took off his coat, he was transformed into his other self and became the horrible Mr. Blackwell. Wearing dark clothes he was stalking celebrities all over the town in order to find out what they were wearing. All of Hollywood was scared to death of him and his uncompromising judgment, wondering what will his verdict be this year. Every starlet from soap opera substitues to Angelina Jolie were asking their mirrors
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall will I be the best dressed of them all?"
Only few, however, were fortunate enough to win that craved title.
A much more cruel fate awaited those who were judged to be the worst dressed. Those unfortunate celebrities, who were also known as Les Miserables, could not show their faces in public and were shunned by everyone in town. Some of them even took the desperate step of moving to the Valley where they hoped they would not be recognized. However, thanks to the Paparazzi, they did not succeed to hide for more than a few hours before they were spotted, and then had to face the unforgiving camera.
The situation became intolerable. Actresses were afraid to leave their producers' homes at night for fear that they will be seen and reported by the horrible Mr. Blackwell, and instead chose to stay there all night long. This resulted in a flood of divorces which became so bad that the Enquirer was forced to issue a special supplement listing the daily filings for divorce. It was only then that the police decided to catch the culprit. A special investigation team was assembled and ambushes were set all over Beverly Hills to catch the horrible Mr. Blackwell in action. However, Mr. Blackwell proved to be very shrewd, even shrewder than the detectives of the special team, and after years of failures the team was finally retired.
Only then, after making sure that the area was clear, did Mr. Blackwell decide to come out of the closet where he was hiding and reveal his true identity to the entire world.

A Letter of Complaint

Mr. Ernst Graves,
Director, Holy Pit Cemetery
175 Final Road
Death Valley, CA

Dear Mr. Graves,
The purpose of this letter is to complain about the unprofessional conduct of two of your employees during the burial of my mother-in-law.
I will be the first to admit that I have never liked my mother-in-law, and that she, in turn, has never liked me either. As a matter of fact, we had a fight almost every day except Sundays which she spent mostly in church, thank God. It all began when she caught me pissing in the swimming pool. "So what?" I told her "everyone pisses in the swimming pool"
"Yes," she said "but not from the diving board."
She made many accusations concerning my personal hygiene. Those accusations were totally false - as our water bill can attest, I take a shower every other week whether I need to or not. We also had many fights concerning the TV remote control since she likes to watch football on ESPN while I prefer "The young and the restless", especially the young - they make me restless.
Yet, in spite of all those differences, I did not hold any grudges against her, and was more than willing to let her be buried in peace. As a matter of fact, I have been planning her funeral for many years. Unfortunately, those plans were made superfluous by the inaction and negligence of your employees as detailed below.
On the day of my mother-in-law's funeral two of your employees came to our apartment with a coffin to take her body to the cemetery. However, on the way down from the apartment to the street the coffin slid and hit the wall. This caused the awakening of my mother-in-law and she immediately sat up and lifted the coffin lid. As a result the funeral was canceled and my mother-in-law is still alive and well six months later.
The main victim of these regrettable events is no other than myself as is evident from the fact that since they took place I suffered from a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for mild depression. Since it is clear that you and/or your employees are responsible for the aforementioned consequences I demand the amount of $500,000 as punitive compensation for your employees' inaction and negligence. I sincerely hope that this will teach them how to conduct themselves in similar situations where human death is at stake.
Inspection of the contract between your company and myself reveals that you agreed to bring my mother-in-law's body as soon as possible to your cemetery and inter it there no later than December 29, 2007. Needless to say, this part of the contract has not been implemented as of today. I therefore demand compensation in the amount of $750,000 for breach of
However, since it seems that there was no malice on your or your employees' part I am willing to compromise and will withdraw this lawsuit if you acquiesce to bury my mother-in-law, regardless of her physical condition, no later than seven days from the receipt of this letter.
With all due respect,
Milhaus Poindexter

The Birthday Speech

Master of Ceremonies: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have gathered here today to celebrate
the 76th and a half birthday of our dear colleague Dr.Heinrich Heintz. Dr.
Heintz's contributions to our knowledge and understanding are too numerous to
count and I will therefore leave this task to his student and long-time colleague
Dr. Heintz Heinrich. Dr. Heinrich, the floor is yours."
Dr. Heinrich: "Thank you, doctor. Before I begin I would like to mention what an honor it is
for me to be here with Dr. Heintz, his colleagues, and his students. I see here many familiar
faces, not to mention other body parts.
As an example to Dr. Heintz's work from which all of us have learned so much I would like, with your acquiescence, to review Dr. Heintz's latest book entitled "Dr. Heintz's Latest Book" published by Heinrich and Heintz. It gives me great satisfaction to announce that this book is now on sale for only $12.99 which, in my humble opinion, is an unprecedented bargain.
Let us open the book at a random page, say page 276. I shall now read to you a short passage from that page.
"It is only due to the huge efforts combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
What do you see in this passage?
First, honesty. Dr. Heintz does not subscribe to the fake modesty exhibited by other scientists. He claims his rights directly and forcefully. Yet, if we read the passage again, which I am about to do momentarily, you will discover, in parentheses, that Dr.Heintz does not shy from giving credit to his coworkers when, and, I may add, only when, credit is due.
Let me now read to you the passage from page 276 again.
"It is only due to the huge effort combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
For me, this passage is no less than a masterpiece, pure poetry, an artwork of words. It is solely in this context that this fascinating passage can be fully comprehended.
Let us move on. We are now on page 276 and toward the middle of the page one can find the following fascinating passage:
"While the enormous contributions of Dr. Heintz were widely acknowledged by the scientific world he was not about to rest on his laurels like many of his 'colleagues' and instead he continued his pursuit of the absolute truth."
In my mind this passage tells more about Dr. Heintz and his motivations than the volumes which had been written about it by others who are not as familiar with him as himself. Despite his well-known appreciation for his so-called colleagues he did not hesitate to expose their inaction. This, again, is another manifestation of his pursuit of the absolute truth which has always been his unique trademark.
But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. If you go further down on page 276 you will find the following insightful passage:
"But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. This book is about Dr. Heintz and his contributions to mankind."
Can anyone put it any better?
And here is another mark of Dr. Heintz's greatness. He, and he alone, without any assistance from his colleagues, succeeded in condensing so much essential information into such a minuscule space. For example, on page 276 we find the following
'In summary, it is only thanks to Dr. Heintz's ingenuity and tenacity that these critical phenomena are now thoroughly understood.'
Seldom, I daresay, has such a brilliant life summarized in such a compact manner.
I would like to conclude this brief presentation by inviting Dr. Heintz to the
podium. Heinrich, pick up your big fat ass and get over here on the double."

Monday, March 30, 2009


Nowadays we have statistics for almost everyone and everything -
Statistics for physicians and statistics for beauticians.
Statistical mechanics and statistics for Hispanics.
Statistics can do a lot for you. It can save you from disasters.
For instance, statistics shows that 60% of murder victims knew their assailants.
Evidently they didn’t know them well enough.
Here is another useful statistical fact that will make you think twice before you commit:
Do you know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce?
If you think this is bad, think about the other 50 percent - how do they end?
In statistics they always talk about the average American.
The average American likes sex and football, but not at the same time.
Let me ask you, ladies, and I don’t mean you, Rosie O'Donnell, how many times did you have sex during the Superbowl?
The average American also likes hamburgers, has one child, is overweight even though he jogs regularly, never had a real job, and denies that he had sex with Monica Lewinsky.
Speaking of sex, did you know that the average American man has sex 2.5 times a week?
This .5 time is when the phone company calls and asks if you are the decision maker in the house.
Another statistical fact is that Americans have less children than ever before.
The average child in America has only 1.5 siblings.
This is one brother and one half-brother (or maybe three half-brothers).
No area has been the subject of statistics more than health and in particular the effects of smoking. In fact, a new study shows that smoking is one of the main causes of statistics.
Another serious threat to our health is overweight.
The average American man is 2.3 pounds heavier than his father and 1.2 pounds heavier than his brother.
We even have statistics about personal hygiene.
For example, statistics shows that 23% of people wipe their ass with the left hand.
The rest use toilet paper.
In fact, we use five times more paper for wiping our body parts than for writing.
But despite all those health risks the population is living longer, and getting older.
The average American is now 12 months older than he was a year ago.
Statistics covers other aspects of life as well.
For example, a recent study has shown that the average American spends 10 hours a week standing in line.
And this is only at the Unemployment Office.
Another statistical fact is that Hispanics are the fastest growing minority.
They are now almost 6 foot tall.
Statistics also shows that the average American watches TV 6 hours a day.
And out of those, 5 are for the Academy Awards ceremony.
On the other hand, Americans read less and less.
The average American man reads only one book in 11 months and when he is done he begins the next volume of Spiderman.

10 Embarrassing Questions

Sometimes people innocently ask questions which are embarrassing and may spoil the atmosphere and damage relations. These incidents can be very destructive, and this is why we took upon ourselves to educate the public by presenting examples of such questions which, needless to say, should be avoided at any cost.
1. Who did your nose job?
2. How long are you planning to stay with us?
3. When are you going to pay your rent?
4. Did you just fart, dear?
5. How much did this hairpiece cost you?
6. Do you still live with your Mom?
7. Why did (s)he divorce you?
8. Are you still with Bill Clinton?
9. How much alimony are you collecting?
10. Is this your granddaughter?
Other examples are welcome - include them in your comments.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The New Spelling Bee

Moderator: "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night which will be remembered for generations to come. What we are going to witness here tonight is no less than a revolution in spelling bees. We are no longer going to ask the contestants to spell some weird words which nobody ever uses and no one cares about. We are going to be much more practical than that - we are going to ask our contestants to spell names. Of couse, these will not be regular everyday names, but names of the most adored wonderful creatures ever to set foot on this planet, namely celebrities. Unlike the old spelling bee which did not have any practical value, this one does have an enormous social and psychological value because if any of you, ladies and gentlemen, were lucky enough to know a celebrity you would know that they always insist on their names being spelled correctly. If you spell a celebrity's name incorrectly you are socially doomed. The penalty for that felony ranges from ignoring your fan letters to cancelation of your membership in the celebrity's fan club, not to mention the unavoidable contempt of the other fans, your classmates, your teachers, and your family. It is therefore important for our future as the leader of the free world to have no American child left behind without knowing how to spell all the celebity names by heart. This requires, of course, the dedication of enormous resources and, needless to say, encouragement and family support.
Without any further ado let me call to the stage our contestants.
First, please welcome Stacy Spelling from Alabama."
Stacy steps to the center of the stage.
Moderator: "Hello, Stacy."
Stacy: "What's up, man?"
Moderator: "Stacy, how do you spell your last name?"
Stacy: "I don't."
Moderator: "Why?"
Stacy: "Cause I ain't a celebrity yet."
Moderator: "Good answer, Stacy. Let's move now to our next contestant. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Vicky Bee from Alaska."
Vicky steps to the center of the stage and pushes Stacy away.
Moderator: "Hello, Vicky."
Vicky: "Hello yourself."
Moderator: "Vicky, let me ask you a question. How do you spell your last name?"
Vicky: "None of your bizwiz"
Moderator: "Thank you, Vicky, and now last but not lost, our third contestant. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
(applause) nobody comes to the stage.Vicky closes her eyes and begins to snore.
Moderator (loudly): "Please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
Vicky opens her eyes for a minute and then closes them back again.
No applause. The moderator signals to the audience to applaud, but only few respond.
Moderator: "Well, it seems that our third contestant is lost. We will therefore have to continue with the two contestants that we have. Stacy, you are the first, and here is your question - how do you spell Condoleezza?"
Stacy: "Condo what?"
Moderator: "Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Moderator: "Sure. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice urged restraint on all sides."
Stacy: "What do you mean? How many sides are there?"
Moderator: "We are asking how do you spell Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Who gives a damn?"
Moderator consults with his advisors for a few minutes.
Moderator: "Sorry, we cannot accept this answer"
Stacy: "So don't, who cares?"
Stacy goes off the stage, leaving Vicky alone there.
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky. It is your turn now."
Vicky (opens her eyes): "My turn for what?"
Moderator: "Your turn to spell a name."
Vicky: "Ok, shoot."
Moderator: "How do you spell Bush?"
Vicky (giggling): "Watch your langauge, man"
Moderator: "Well, how do you spell it?"
Vicky: "I can spell his middle name."
(Moderator consults with his advisors)
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky, we will allow it. How do you spell his middle name?"
Vicky: "Dubya - D, U, B, Y, A - Dubya"
Moderator: "Correct. Congratulations, Vicky. You are the spelling bee champion."

How I Became a Presidential Candidate

I was desperate. Wherever I went to look for a job they asked me if I have any "hands on" experience.
"I don't have any hands-on experience," I told them "but I have plenty of hands-off experience - everytime I lay my hands on my girlfriend she tells me hands-off."
This, however, did not convince them and, once again, I was rejected.
"It must be some character flaw of yours," my girlfriend said, and I had to agree or else...
I did not know what to do but after a few hours of deliberations I finally made up my mind.
"I am going to run for president," I told my girl friend.
To my suprise she liked it and said
"This is a good idea. You have all the qualifications."
"What qualifications?" I asked.
"First, like most presidents I know of, you never had a job, you are what they call an outsider, you never wasted any taxpayer money, or any other money, for this matter, since you never had any, and you hate big corporations. This is enough for me. You have my vote."
"Wow," I said. "Even I didn't think of all that. So what do I need to do now?"
"You have to announce your candidacy, I guess," she said.
"And how do I go about that?" I asked.
"Just call the newspapers and tell them about your decision," she said.
"And that's it?" I aked.said
"No, Sweetie," she said and I sensed that she begins to like me "Next you have to think about a platform."
"A platform?" I wondered.
"Yes, you have to promise the public something which they like," she said, "but it better be different from what the other candidates are promising them."
I tried to think about a platform all that evening and the only thing I got was a headache. I was desperate and before going to bed I told my girlfriend
"See? I barely announced my candidacy and I already have a headache. Maybe I am not fit to be a president?"
"Don't despair," she said. "Everyone can be a president, it says so in the constitution."
"It does?" I said. "Then why doesn't everybody run for president?"
"Because they never read the constitution," she said.
That calmed me down and my headache disappeared. I slept like a baby.
The next morning I called the newspapers and infromed them about my decision. They were too stunned to ask any questions and that gave me time to work on my platform which, with the help of my girl friend, turned out to be easier than I thought.
"All you have to do is promise to the voters something which they want without taxing them," she advised me.
"I know what they want," I said. "Money."
"So promise them money," she said.
"How will I get this money?" I asked.
"Do you ever listen to me?" she asked. "I told you to promise them money, not to actually give it to them."
"Ok," I said. The last thing I needed now was a fight with her.
"And that's all?" I asked. "Don't I need anything else?"
"Yes, you do," she said "but first you've got to have a name for your party. I suggest that you call it the Green Party."
"Green?" I asked. "You know that I hate vegetables."
"No, stupid," she said "Green like in money."
"Wow, why didn't I think of that?" I asked.
"That's because you are not a woman," she replied.
"What else do I need?" I asked.
"You need to decide who is going to be your constituency," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"You need to decide what group you want to represent - men, middle class, women, African Americans ..."
"You know very well who I want to represent," I said."Women."
"Then you have to promise to appoint a woman as vice-president," she said.
"But then all the men will vote against me, won't they?" I asked.
"Now you are making progress," she agreed.
"So what do I do?" I asked.
"Let me think about it during lunch," she said before we went out to McDonald's.
Only on the way back she came up with the answer."I know what to do about your problem," she said. "You need to make that announcement some place where men couldn't hear it."
"And where is that?" I asked.
"On Oprah," she smiled triumphantly.
"And if she doesn't agree to have me on her show?" I asked.
"Oh boy," she sighed "You still have a lot to learn about politics. Just offer that position to her."

The Thinnest Books

Every writer tries, or should try, to be as brief as possible but only few books are as thin as the following ones.
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
MY FUNNIEST JOKES by David Letterman
And the world's No. 1 Thinnest Book:
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Siziphus Retires

On Tuesday Siziphus all of a sudden felt tired. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. In fact, everything was the same as any other day. He got up as usual, ate his cereal, drank his coffee, and went to work. Nothing unusual happened on his way to work either, and he did not suspect anything.
Siziphus did not particularly like his work, but he did not hate it either. Sometimes when his friends told him about the troubles they had at work he felt lucky he had that job. It certainly was better than sitting at home all day long, doing nothing.
"What do you have to show for all your work?" his friends used to tease him.
"Not much," he admitted "but at least it keeps me busy."
Nobody could argue with that.
On Tuesday, however, he felt unusually tired. As far as he could remember it had never happened to him before, and it worried him. He decided to go to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"The problem seems to be," Siziphus said "that I feel tired."
The doctor checked him, looked at his chart and said
"I don't see anything wrong with you. Your blood pressure is okay, your pulse is fine. I don't think you have any reason to worry. We all get tired sometimes. All you need is a good sleep."
So Siziphus decided to return to work. As usual he carried the rock up the mountain, and everything was okay until he was a few feet from the top. He tried to push the rock a bit more, but the rock would not move. Even after he rested a while and tried to push it again the rock refused to move. Siziphus looked around him and when he saw that the supervisor was looking the other way he pushed the rock down the mountain. He returned home from work with a lousy mood.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"Nothing, I'm just tired" he said.
"Are you trying to fool me?" she said "I know you better than you think. Tell me what happened."
"It's nothing" he said "I'm just a bit tired. Even the doctor said so."
"What doctor?" she asked angrily.
"The doctor I went to see this morning" he said.
"You went to see a doctor this morning?" she raised her voice "Why?"
"I told you already" he raised his voice too "I felt tired."
"And what did the doctor say?" she inquired.
"He told me to get more rest," he said. "that's all."
"Ok," she said "we'll have dinner early tonight and then you can go to bed."
The next day he felt tired again and his wife did not let him go to work.
"You need to rest for a few more days before you go back to work," she told him.
"Thank you, doctor," he said sarcastically.
"You're welcome," she answered "I know you better than any doctor."
He was too tired to argue with her, and he fell asleep. For the next two days he slept on and off.
"How are you feeling today?" his wife asked him in the morning of the third day "and you'd better not lie to me." she added.
"I'm feeling great" he lied.
"I still want you to stay in bed at least one more day" she said "God knows you have accumulated enough sick leave during
all those years. It's time that you use some of it."
"Ok," he did not want to argue with her "but tomorrow I'm going back to work."
"There is something wrong with you, you know?" she said "Everyone else I know loves to stay at home and rest, and you just
dream about going back to work."
The next day he went to work. A few moments after he arrived he felt tired again. He went to his supervisor and told him that he was too tired to work.
"Ok, Siziphus" the supervisor said "but remember this will be four days in a row that you did not work. You know that if
you miss five days in a row we'll have to let you go. This is the rule. Think about it and tomorrow let me know if you
want to be fired or just retire."
Siziphus went home and told his wife the news. She was alarmed.
"Can't they find you another job there?" she asked.
"What other job?" he asked "The only thing I did all those years was carry that rock up the mountain."
This made her angry.
"It's all because you never listened to me," she said. "All those years I tried to push you to learn a trade so that you
could get another job, but you wouldn't listen."
"Learn a trade?" he tried to defend himself "When?"
"In the evenings, after work, instead of sitting here in front of the stupid TV."
"Sorry," he said. "I was too tired after work. I couldn't possibly learn anything."
"Well," she said "so now you, or rather me, are paying the price."
"You?" he said "What price are you paying?"
"You think it's a big pleasure to have you stay at home all day long?" she said.
"No," he said "as a matter of fact I am pretty sure it will be anything but pleasure, for the both of us."
"That's right" she agreed.
The next day Siziphus told his supervisor he decided to retire.
"Good decision" the supervisor congratulated him, and shook his hand.
"Let me just go and tell the news to my buddies before I leave," asked Siziphus.
"Sure," the supervisor agreed."go ahead."
His friends did not like the news.
"Who shall we play cards with now?" Armenius complained.
Orpheus was not very enthusiastic either.
"So what are you going to do now?" he asked "Sit at home and do nothing?"
"I can clean the garage" Siziphus said "I've been planning to do this for years."
"And what will you do in the afternoon? Rest?" Orpheus laughed.
His laughter irritated Siziphus and before leaving he said
"Why? What are you planning to do when you retire?"
Orpheus' question caught Siziphus by surprise. He did not think of it before, and now it bothered him. He thought about it on his way home and finally made a decision.
"I've retired" he told his wife cheerfully as he came home.
"Oh, no!" she sighed "So now you're going to hang around the house all day long?"
"Don't worry," he said "I won't bother you. I know exactly what I'll do."
"Yeh," she said "and what might that be?"
"I'm going to write my memoirs" he said.
"Memoirs of what exactly?" she laughed. "How to work for forty years and achieve nothing? I am sure this will be a
"What do you care?" he ignored her mockery "The main thing is that I'll be busy writing and won't bother you, isn't it?"
"I'll drink to that" she answered.
Before going to bed he told her
"The retirement ceremony is tomorrow. D'you want to come?"
"No," she replied "I'd rather stay in bed instead of meeting your buddies."
"As you wish," he said.
The next morning Siziphus woke up as usual, ate his cereal, drank his coffee, and went to work. All his friends were there,
waiting to greet him.
"They've already found a replacement for you" Orpheus told him.
"Really?" said Siziphus.
It was exactly then that a heavy rock rolled down the mountain and killed him.

Animal Rights

Good news. We have finally reached a state in human development where all possible human rights have already been granted, maybe not to each of us, but certainly to the majority, and who cares about the rest? They are only the minority anyhow.
The main problem facing us now is how to extend those basic rights to our beloved animals. After all, we are not the only inhabitants of this planet, and it is time that we share our rights with all the other creatures living on it. I believe that with careful consideration we can grant animals many of the basic rights that we enjoy ourselves.Take for example the three basic American rights. There is no reason why similar rights should not be granted to dogs, cats,and mice. Dogs should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cats. Cats, on the other hand, should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of mice while mice should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cheese.
But this is only the beginning. What we really need is a constitution that will protect animals from discrimination and favoritism, especially by the government. Right now it seems that it is us, humans, who pose the most serious dangers to animals. If we want to have justice in this world we must protect animals from humans. Let's make this world a place where "man bites dog" will not only be rare, it will be punishable by law.
We also need to protect animals' sensitivities, and that means, first of all, protection from insults. Under the new constitution it should be forbidden to defame any animal. Instead of using the degrading term "bald eagle" we will have to refer to it as "the hair-challenged eagle". We will not be allowed to call any human beings "cow"s, regardless of the size of their bras, and by the same token it will not be permitted to call them "pig"s, no matter how chauvinistic they are. Also, it should be forbidden to use the term "bitch" when referring to females of any species, including ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and, of course, female canines. The term "pussycat" which many male cats find offensive for obvious reasons should be replaced by plain "cat".
But along with rights there should be some restrictions. For example, birds should not be allowed to drop whatever it is they are dropping on any American flag and chickens should not be allowed to cross the road whenever they feel like - it is too controversial and raises too many questions. Only when no animal feels any discrimination against itself, will this planet be the peaceful oasis that we all dream about.

Ask Your Doctor

My erectile dysfunction and how it got cured.
One of the most severe dangers facing mankind today, aside from global warming and gambling on the web, is erectile dysfunction. Take me for example. I never had any problems below the belt. I mean my own belt. I did have problems below other people's belts, if you know what I mean. This was true until one day my cousin Dick told me
"You know, Ben, the older I get, the stronger I become."
"Oh, yes?" I asked.
So he told me
"Yeh," he said. When I was young I could not bend it, no matter what, and it caused me a lot of problems. For example, on a bus, whenever a lady came in and I, due to my good manners, wanted to get up and give her my seat, I could not do it and instead I had to offer her to sit on my knees. I spent most of my youth asking myself how can I shrink it. I tried many tricks. Once I tried to tie it to my leg, but then it fell asleep and it took me hours to wake it up."
"And is it different now?" I asked.
"Oh yeh," he said. "Now I have no problem bending it at all. It's quite easy."
"It must be those daily exercises you're having" I said.
"Yes," Dick said "I think so, or maybe it's the steroids"
"You're taking steroids?" I asked.
"Doesn't everyone?" he said "and you see? It works, even though I didn't break any record yet. The only medicine I am careful with is Viagra."
"Oh, yes? and why is that?" I asked.
"Because" Dick said "with Viagra there is a serious danger that you will have an erection lasting four hours or more, and I always considered myself lucky if I had an erection lasting four minutes."
"Yes," I had to agree and I reminded him "and you should also avoid taking it if you are pregnant or expecting to get pregnant."
"Oh, yes" he smiled "but we are trying to avoid this anyhow, if you know what I mean."
As soon as Dick left I decided to test my own strength - I tried to bend mine and indeed it was surprisingly easy. There was one conundrum ,though - I do not exercise like Dick does and I don't take steroids, so where did all this extra strength come from?
At about the same time I noticed a drop in my sexual activity, if you excuse the expression, and I decided to consult my doctor. To my surprise he was available. I scheduled an appointment and just a month and a half later I went to see him.
"Well," he said "what seems to be the problem?"
"The problem seems to be that in spite of my increased strength there is a drop in my sexual activity." I said. He became very concerned and said
"Yes, this is a serious problem indeed. How often do you have sex, may I ask?"
"About twice a month," I said.
" Hm," he said "and how old are you?"
"Seventy eight and a half," I said.
"For seventy eight and a half you look pretty good," the doctor said.
"I look even better for seventy nine and a half," I said.
"Well," the doctor was relieved now "at seventy eight and a half this is quite normal. It depends on your age, you know."
"But my cousin Dick is three and a half years older than me and he claims that he is having sex three times a week," I said.
The doctor thought for a moment and then looked at me and said "You know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"Start claiming so too." he said, and this is how my erectile dysfunction was finally cured.
My erectile dysfunction and how it got cured.
One of the most severe dangers facing mankind today, aside from global warming and gambling on the web, is erectile dysfunction. Take me for example. I never had any problems below the belt. I mean my own belt. I did have problems below other people's belts, if you know what I mean. This was true until one day my cousin Dick told me
"You know, Ben, the older I get, the stronger I become."
"Oh, yes?" I asked.
So he told me
"Yeh," he said. When I was young I could not bend it, no matter what, and it caused me a lot of problems. For example, on a bus, whenever a lady came in and I, due to my good manners, wanted to get up and give her my seat, I could not do it and instead I had to offer her to sit on my knees. I spent most of my youth asking myself how can I shrink it. I tried many tricks. Once I tried to tie it to my leg, but then it fell asleep and it took me hours to wake it up."
"And is it different now?" I asked.
"Oh yeh," he said. "Now I have no problem bending it at all. It's quite easy."
"It must be those daily exercises you're having" I said.
"Yes," Dick said "I think so, or maybe it's the steroids"
"You're taking steroids?" I asked.
"Doesn't everyone?" he said "and you see? It works, even though I didn't break any record yet. The only medicine I am careful with is Viagra."
"Oh, yes? and why is that?" I asked.
"Because" Dick said "with Viagra there is a serious danger that you will have an erection lasting four hours or more, and this is so dangerous that you have to call your doctor immediately, and I always considered myself lucky when I had an erection lasting four minutes."
"Yes," I had to agree and I reminded him "and you should also avoid taking it if you are pregnant or expecting to get pregnant."
"Oh, yes" he smiled "but we are trying to avoid this anyhow, if you know what I mean."
As soon as Dick left I decided to test my own strength - I tried to bend mine and indeed it was surprisingly easy. There was one conundrum ,though - I do not exercise like Dick does and I don't take steroids, so where did all this extra strength come from?
At about the same time I noticed a drop in my sexual activity, if you excuse the expression, and I decided to consult my doctor. To my surprise he was available. I scheduled an appointment and just a month and a half later I went to see him.
"Well," he said "what seems to be the problem?"
"The problem seems to be that in spite of my increased strength there is a drop in my sexual activity." I said. He became very concerned and said
"Yes, this is a serious problem indeed. How often do you have sex, may I ask?"
"About twice a month," I said.
" Hm," he said "and how old are you?"
"Seventy eight and a half," I said.
"For seventy eight and a half you look good," the doctor said.
"I look even better for seventy nine and a half " I said
"Well," the doctor was relieved now "at seventy eight and a half this is quite normal. It depends on your age, you know."
"But my cousin Dick is three and a half years older than me and he claims that he is having sex three times a week," I said.
The doctor thought for a moment and then looked at me and said "You know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"Start claiming so too." he said, and this is how my erectile dysfunction was finally cured.

If It Doesn't Fit

Excerpts from the proceedings of O. J. Simpson's latest trial.
Bailif : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Defendant: I am am not used to swearing. This is not how I was raised. In fact, my mom, God bless her soul, used to wash my mouth with soap whenever I swore.
This is why I hate soap.
Judge: Stop wasting the court's time.Just put your hand on the bible and say "I do."
Defendant put his right hand on the bible: I do.
Judge: What is your name?
Defendant: O.J. Simpson.
Judge: Are you related to Homer Simpson?
Defendant: He is my half-twin. We were separated at conception.
Judge: Ok, I guess we can proceed now. Prosecutor, what is this man accused of?
Prosecutor: He is accused of rape.
Judge: And who is the victim?
Defendant: The victim is me. She raped me.
Judge: Then I assume you're pleading innocent. Is this true?
Defendant: Not exactly.
Prosecutor: Then tell us what exactly happend.
Defendant: It all began with that book I wrote.
Prosecutor: You wrote a book? What is it about?
Defendant: It's about a murder which I did not commit. I was always afraid of commitment. This is why I was found innocent.
Prosecutor: I see. What is the name of that book?
Defendant: The name of the book is "If I did it, here is how it happened."
Prosecutor: You should be tried for raping the English language. What happened next?
Defendant: The lady from the National Enquirer called me and said that she would like to ask me a few questions.
Prosecutor: And what did you say?
Defendant: I told her she can ask me over the phone.
Prosecutor: And what did she say?
Defendant: She said she never did it over the phone and that she prefers to meet me in person. I understood the hint and invited her to my home.
Prosecutor: And then what happened?
Defendant: As soon as she entered my home she attacked me and tried to rape me.
Prosecutor: And what did you do?
Defendant: I told her I am not giving in that easily, and besides I don't have a condom.
Prosecutor: And how did she respond?
Defendant: She told me to buy a condom and then she took all my trophies to make sure that I comply.
Prosecutor: And did you?
Defendant: Did I have a choice? I was afraid of her.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Defendant: But there was a problem.
Prosecutor: What kind of problem?
Defendant: A size problem if you know what I mean.
Prosecutor (looking at his own groins): I see. Is it too big or too small?
Defendant: (consults with his lawyer): I will not dignify this question with an answer.
Prosecutor: Fine.What happened next?
Defendant: I tried everywhere and could not find a condom that fits, but then a friend of mine told me about the Casual Male XL store.
Prosecutor: They sell condoms?
Defendant: Why do you think they call it Casual Male XL?
Prosecutor: And did you find it there?
Defendant: No, I tried all the sizes that they have from 1 XL to 6 XL, but nothing fit.
Prosecutor: So what did you do?
Defendant: There was nothing I could do.
Prosecutor: Really? How about circumcision? Did you think of that?
Defendant: No, I didn't, I'm afraid.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Prosecutor: What happened next?
Defendant: She came back a week later and tried to rape me again.
Prosecutor: Do you have any evidence to support this story?
Defendant: My lawyer, Mr. Cockran, holds all the evidence.
Judge: Show me the evidence, Mr. Cockran.
Mr. Cockran (hands a condom to the judge): The defence requests that the defendant be allowed to try it on in order to prove his point.
Judge: Granted.
The defendant tries to put the condom on but evidently it is too small.
Judge: Ok, this is proof enough for me. Now let's hear the summaries.
Prosecutor: Who in his right mind is going to buy this, excuse the expression, cock and bull story? I rest my case.
Judge: Mr. Cockran?
Mr. Cockran: The defence has proved beyond any reasonable doubt the innocence of the defendant. The evidence shows that all that the defendant tried to do was follow the well-established rule - If it doesn't fit you better quit. He tried to quit but to no avail. We require that he be set free.
Judge: Granted.