Sunday, March 29, 2009

If It Doesn't Fit

Excerpts from the proceedings of O. J. Simpson's latest trial.
Bailif : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Defendant: I am am not used to swearing. This is not how I was raised. In fact, my mom, God bless her soul, used to wash my mouth with soap whenever I swore.
This is why I hate soap.
Judge: Stop wasting the court's time.Just put your hand on the bible and say "I do."
Defendant put his right hand on the bible: I do.
Judge: What is your name?
Defendant: O.J. Simpson.
Judge: Are you related to Homer Simpson?
Defendant: He is my half-twin. We were separated at conception.
Judge: Ok, I guess we can proceed now. Prosecutor, what is this man accused of?
Prosecutor: He is accused of rape.
Judge: And who is the victim?
Defendant: The victim is me. She raped me.
Judge: Then I assume you're pleading innocent. Is this true?
Defendant: Not exactly.
Prosecutor: Then tell us what exactly happend.
Defendant: It all began with that book I wrote.
Prosecutor: You wrote a book? What is it about?
Defendant: It's about a murder which I did not commit. I was always afraid of commitment. This is why I was found innocent.
Prosecutor: I see. What is the name of that book?
Defendant: The name of the book is "If I did it, here is how it happened."
Prosecutor: You should be tried for raping the English language. What happened next?
Defendant: The lady from the National Enquirer called me and said that she would like to ask me a few questions.
Prosecutor: And what did you say?
Defendant: I told her she can ask me over the phone.
Prosecutor: And what did she say?
Defendant: She said she never did it over the phone and that she prefers to meet me in person. I understood the hint and invited her to my home.
Prosecutor: And then what happened?
Defendant: As soon as she entered my home she attacked me and tried to rape me.
Prosecutor: And what did you do?
Defendant: I told her I am not giving in that easily, and besides I don't have a condom.
Prosecutor: And how did she respond?
Defendant: She told me to buy a condom and then she took all my trophies to make sure that I comply.
Prosecutor: And did you?
Defendant: Did I have a choice? I was afraid of her.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Defendant: But there was a problem.
Prosecutor: What kind of problem?
Defendant: A size problem if you know what I mean.
Prosecutor (looking at his own groins): I see. Is it too big or too small?
Defendant: (consults with his lawyer): I will not dignify this question with an answer.
Prosecutor: Fine.What happened next?
Defendant: I tried everywhere and could not find a condom that fits, but then a friend of mine told me about the Casual Male XL store.
Prosecutor: They sell condoms?
Defendant: Why do you think they call it Casual Male XL?
Prosecutor: And did you find it there?
Defendant: No, I tried all the sizes that they have from 1 XL to 6 XL, but nothing fit.
Prosecutor: So what did you do?
Defendant: There was nothing I could do.
Prosecutor: Really? How about circumcision? Did you think of that?
Defendant: No, I didn't, I'm afraid.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Prosecutor: What happened next?
Defendant: She came back a week later and tried to rape me again.
Prosecutor: Do you have any evidence to support this story?
Defendant: My lawyer, Mr. Cockran, holds all the evidence.
Judge: Show me the evidence, Mr. Cockran.
Mr. Cockran (hands a condom to the judge): The defence requests that the defendant be allowed to try it on in order to prove his point.
Judge: Granted.
The defendant tries to put the condom on but evidently it is too small.
Judge: Ok, this is proof enough for me. Now let's hear the summaries.
Prosecutor: Who in his right mind is going to buy this, excuse the expression, cock and bull story? I rest my case.
Judge: Mr. Cockran?
Mr. Cockran: The defence has proved beyond any reasonable doubt the innocence of the defendant. The evidence shows that all that the defendant tried to do was follow the well-established rule - If it doesn't fit you better quit. He tried to quit but to no avail. We require that he be set free.
Judge: Granted.

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