Sunday, March 29, 2009

How I Became a Presidential Candidate

I was desperate. Wherever I went to look for a job they asked me if I have any "hands on" experience.
"I don't have any hands-on experience," I told them "but I have plenty of hands-off experience - everytime I lay my hands on my girlfriend she tells me hands-off."
This, however, did not convince them and, once again, I was rejected.
"It must be some character flaw of yours," my girlfriend said, and I had to agree or else...
I did not know what to do but after a few hours of deliberations I finally made up my mind.
"I am going to run for president," I told my girl friend.
To my suprise she liked it and said
"This is a good idea. You have all the qualifications."
"What qualifications?" I asked.
"First, like most presidents I know of, you never had a job, you are what they call an outsider, you never wasted any taxpayer money, or any other money, for this matter, since you never had any, and you hate big corporations. This is enough for me. You have my vote."
"Wow," I said. "Even I didn't think of all that. So what do I need to do now?"
"You have to announce your candidacy, I guess," she said.
"And how do I go about that?" I asked.
"Just call the newspapers and tell them about your decision," she said.
"And that's it?" I aked.said
"No, Sweetie," she said and I sensed that she begins to like me "Next you have to think about a platform."
"A platform?" I wondered.
"Yes, you have to promise the public something which they like," she said, "but it better be different from what the other candidates are promising them."
I tried to think about a platform all that evening and the only thing I got was a headache. I was desperate and before going to bed I told my girlfriend
"See? I barely announced my candidacy and I already have a headache. Maybe I am not fit to be a president?"
"Don't despair," she said. "Everyone can be a president, it says so in the constitution."
"It does?" I said. "Then why doesn't everybody run for president?"
"Because they never read the constitution," she said.
That calmed me down and my headache disappeared. I slept like a baby.
The next morning I called the newspapers and infromed them about my decision. They were too stunned to ask any questions and that gave me time to work on my platform which, with the help of my girl friend, turned out to be easier than I thought.
"All you have to do is promise to the voters something which they want without taxing them," she advised me.
"I know what they want," I said. "Money."
"So promise them money," she said.
"How will I get this money?" I asked.
"Do you ever listen to me?" she asked. "I told you to promise them money, not to actually give it to them."
"Ok," I said. The last thing I needed now was a fight with her.
"And that's all?" I asked. "Don't I need anything else?"
"Yes, you do," she said "but first you've got to have a name for your party. I suggest that you call it the Green Party."
"Green?" I asked. "You know that I hate vegetables."
"No, stupid," she said "Green like in money."
"Wow, why didn't I think of that?" I asked.
"That's because you are not a woman," she replied.
"What else do I need?" I asked.
"You need to decide who is going to be your constituency," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"You need to decide what group you want to represent - men, middle class, women, African Americans ..."
"You know very well who I want to represent," I said."Women."
"Then you have to promise to appoint a woman as vice-president," she said.
"But then all the men will vote against me, won't they?" I asked.
"Now you are making progress," she agreed.
"So what do I do?" I asked.
"Let me think about it during lunch," she said before we went out to McDonald's.
Only on the way back she came up with the answer."I know what to do about your problem," she said. "You need to make that announcement some place where men couldn't hear it."
"And where is that?" I asked.
"On Oprah," she smiled triumphantly.
"And if she doesn't agree to have me on her show?" I asked.
"Oh boy," she sighed "You still have a lot to learn about politics. Just offer that position to her."

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