Sunday, March 29, 2009

Animal Rights

Good news. We have finally reached a state in human development where all possible human rights have already been granted, maybe not to each of us, but certainly to the majority, and who cares about the rest? They are only the minority anyhow.
The main problem facing us now is how to extend those basic rights to our beloved animals. After all, we are not the only inhabitants of this planet, and it is time that we share our rights with all the other creatures living on it. I believe that with careful consideration we can grant animals many of the basic rights that we enjoy ourselves.Take for example the three basic American rights. There is no reason why similar rights should not be granted to dogs, cats,and mice. Dogs should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cats. Cats, on the other hand, should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of mice while mice should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cheese.
But this is only the beginning. What we really need is a constitution that will protect animals from discrimination and favoritism, especially by the government. Right now it seems that it is us, humans, who pose the most serious dangers to animals. If we want to have justice in this world we must protect animals from humans. Let's make this world a place where "man bites dog" will not only be rare, it will be punishable by law.
We also need to protect animals' sensitivities, and that means, first of all, protection from insults. Under the new constitution it should be forbidden to defame any animal. Instead of using the degrading term "bald eagle" we will have to refer to it as "the hair-challenged eagle". We will not be allowed to call any human beings "cow"s, regardless of the size of their bras, and by the same token it will not be permitted to call them "pig"s, no matter how chauvinistic they are. Also, it should be forbidden to use the term "bitch" when referring to females of any species, including ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and, of course, female canines. The term "pussycat" which many male cats find offensive for obvious reasons should be replaced by plain "cat".
But along with rights there should be some restrictions. For example, birds should not be allowed to drop whatever it is they are dropping on any American flag and chickens should not be allowed to cross the road whenever they feel like - it is too controversial and raises too many questions. Only when no animal feels any discrimination against itself, will this planet be the peaceful oasis that we all dream about.

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