Sunday, March 29, 2009

The New Spelling Bee

Moderator: "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night which will be remembered for generations to come. What we are going to witness here tonight is no less than a revolution in spelling bees. We are no longer going to ask the contestants to spell some weird words which nobody ever uses and no one cares about. We are going to be much more practical than that - we are going to ask our contestants to spell names. Of couse, these will not be regular everyday names, but names of the most adored wonderful creatures ever to set foot on this planet, namely celebrities. Unlike the old spelling bee which did not have any practical value, this one does have an enormous social and psychological value because if any of you, ladies and gentlemen, were lucky enough to know a celebrity you would know that they always insist on their names being spelled correctly. If you spell a celebrity's name incorrectly you are socially doomed. The penalty for that felony ranges from ignoring your fan letters to cancelation of your membership in the celebrity's fan club, not to mention the unavoidable contempt of the other fans, your classmates, your teachers, and your family. It is therefore important for our future as the leader of the free world to have no American child left behind without knowing how to spell all the celebity names by heart. This requires, of course, the dedication of enormous resources and, needless to say, encouragement and family support.
Without any further ado let me call to the stage our contestants.
First, please welcome Stacy Spelling from Alabama."
Stacy steps to the center of the stage.
Moderator: "Hello, Stacy."
Stacy: "What's up, man?"
Moderator: "Stacy, how do you spell your last name?"
Stacy: "I don't."
Moderator: "Why?"
Stacy: "Cause I ain't a celebrity yet."
Moderator: "Good answer, Stacy. Let's move now to our next contestant. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Vicky Bee from Alaska."
Vicky steps to the center of the stage and pushes Stacy away.
Moderator: "Hello, Vicky."
Vicky: "Hello yourself."
Moderator: "Vicky, let me ask you a question. How do you spell your last name?"
Vicky: "None of your bizwiz"
Moderator: "Thank you, Vicky, and now last but not lost, our third contestant. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
(applause) nobody comes to the stage.Vicky closes her eyes and begins to snore.
Moderator (loudly): "Please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
Vicky opens her eyes for a minute and then closes them back again.
No applause. The moderator signals to the audience to applaud, but only few respond.
Moderator: "Well, it seems that our third contestant is lost. We will therefore have to continue with the two contestants that we have. Stacy, you are the first, and here is your question - how do you spell Condoleezza?"
Stacy: "Condo what?"
Moderator: "Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Moderator: "Sure. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice urged restraint on all sides."
Stacy: "What do you mean? How many sides are there?"
Moderator: "We are asking how do you spell Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Who gives a damn?"
Moderator consults with his advisors for a few minutes.
Moderator: "Sorry, we cannot accept this answer"
Stacy: "So don't, who cares?"
Stacy goes off the stage, leaving Vicky alone there.
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky. It is your turn now."
Vicky (opens her eyes): "My turn for what?"
Moderator: "Your turn to spell a name."
Vicky: "Ok, shoot."
Moderator: "How do you spell Bush?"
Vicky (giggling): "Watch your langauge, man"
Moderator: "Well, how do you spell it?"
Vicky: "I can spell his middle name."
(Moderator consults with his advisors)
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky, we will allow it. How do you spell his middle name?"
Vicky: "Dubya - D, U, B, Y, A - Dubya"
Moderator: "Correct. Congratulations, Vicky. You are the spelling bee champion."

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