Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mr. Blackwell and Dr. Hyde

A Hollywood horror story

During the day time Dr. Hyde, the plastic surgeon, was the nicest of people. He did whatever his celebrated patients asked him to do, be it a nose job, breast enhancement, or liposuction..
But as soon as the sun set on Sunset Boulevard, the day turned into night, and he came back to his home in Beverly Hills and took off his coat, he was transformed into his other self and became the horrible Mr. Blackwell. Wearing dark clothes he was stalking celebrities all over the town in order to find out what they were wearing. All of Hollywood was scared to death of him and his uncompromising judgment, wondering what will his verdict be this year. Every starlet from soap opera substitues to Angelina Jolie were asking their mirrors
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall will I be the best dressed of them all?"
Only few, however, were fortunate enough to win that craved title.
A much more cruel fate awaited those who were judged to be the worst dressed. Those unfortunate celebrities, who were also known as Les Miserables, could not show their faces in public and were shunned by everyone in town. Some of them even took the desperate step of moving to the Valley where they hoped they would not be recognized. However, thanks to the Paparazzi, they did not succeed to hide for more than a few hours before they were spotted, and then had to face the unforgiving camera.
The situation became intolerable. Actresses were afraid to leave their producers' homes at night for fear that they will be seen and reported by the horrible Mr. Blackwell, and instead chose to stay there all night long. This resulted in a flood of divorces which became so bad that the Enquirer was forced to issue a special supplement listing the daily filings for divorce. It was only then that the police decided to catch the culprit. A special investigation team was assembled and ambushes were set all over Beverly Hills to catch the horrible Mr. Blackwell in action. However, Mr. Blackwell proved to be very shrewd, even shrewder than the detectives of the special team, and after years of failures the team was finally retired.
Only then, after making sure that the area was clear, did Mr. Blackwell decide to come out of the closet where he was hiding and reveal his true identity to the entire world.

A Letter of Complaint

Mr. Ernst Graves,
Director, Holy Pit Cemetery
175 Final Road
Death Valley, CA

Dear Mr. Graves,
The purpose of this letter is to complain about the unprofessional conduct of two of your employees during the burial of my mother-in-law.
I will be the first to admit that I have never liked my mother-in-law, and that she, in turn, has never liked me either. As a matter of fact, we had a fight almost every day except Sundays which she spent mostly in church, thank God. It all began when she caught me pissing in the swimming pool. "So what?" I told her "everyone pisses in the swimming pool"
"Yes," she said "but not from the diving board."
She made many accusations concerning my personal hygiene. Those accusations were totally false - as our water bill can attest, I take a shower every other week whether I need to or not. We also had many fights concerning the TV remote control since she likes to watch football on ESPN while I prefer "The young and the restless", especially the young - they make me restless.
Yet, in spite of all those differences, I did not hold any grudges against her, and was more than willing to let her be buried in peace. As a matter of fact, I have been planning her funeral for many years. Unfortunately, those plans were made superfluous by the inaction and negligence of your employees as detailed below.
On the day of my mother-in-law's funeral two of your employees came to our apartment with a coffin to take her body to the cemetery. However, on the way down from the apartment to the street the coffin slid and hit the wall. This caused the awakening of my mother-in-law and she immediately sat up and lifted the coffin lid. As a result the funeral was canceled and my mother-in-law is still alive and well six months later.
The main victim of these regrettable events is no other than myself as is evident from the fact that since they took place I suffered from a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for mild depression. Since it is clear that you and/or your employees are responsible for the aforementioned consequences I demand the amount of $500,000 as punitive compensation for your employees' inaction and negligence. I sincerely hope that this will teach them how to conduct themselves in similar situations where human death is at stake.
Inspection of the contract between your company and myself reveals that you agreed to bring my mother-in-law's body as soon as possible to your cemetery and inter it there no later than December 29, 2007. Needless to say, this part of the contract has not been implemented as of today. I therefore demand compensation in the amount of $750,000 for breach of
contract.
However, since it seems that there was no malice on your or your employees' part I am willing to compromise and will withdraw this lawsuit if you acquiesce to bury my mother-in-law, regardless of her physical condition, no later than seven days from the receipt of this letter.
With all due respect,
Milhaus Poindexter

The Birthday Speech

Master of Ceremonies: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have gathered here today to celebrate
the 76th and a half birthday of our dear colleague Dr.Heinrich Heintz. Dr.
Heintz's contributions to our knowledge and understanding are too numerous to
count and I will therefore leave this task to his student and long-time colleague
Dr. Heintz Heinrich. Dr. Heinrich, the floor is yours."
Dr. Heinrich: "Thank you, doctor. Before I begin I would like to mention what an honor it is
for me to be here with Dr. Heintz, his colleagues, and his students. I see here many familiar
faces, not to mention other body parts.
As an example to Dr. Heintz's work from which all of us have learned so much I would like, with your acquiescence, to review Dr. Heintz's latest book entitled "Dr. Heintz's Latest Book" published by Heinrich and Heintz. It gives me great satisfaction to announce that this book is now on sale for only $12.99 which, in my humble opinion, is an unprecedented bargain.
Let us open the book at a random page, say page 276. I shall now read to you a short passage from that page.
"It is only due to the huge efforts combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
What do you see in this passage?
First, honesty. Dr. Heintz does not subscribe to the fake modesty exhibited by other scientists. He claims his rights directly and forcefully. Yet, if we read the passage again, which I am about to do momentarily, you will discover, in parentheses, that Dr.Heintz does not shy from giving credit to his coworkers when, and, I may add, only when, credit is due.
Let me now read to you the passage from page 276 again.
"It is only due to the huge effort combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
For me, this passage is no less than a masterpiece, pure poetry, an artwork of words. It is solely in this context that this fascinating passage can be fully comprehended.
Let us move on. We are now on page 276 and toward the middle of the page one can find the following fascinating passage:
"While the enormous contributions of Dr. Heintz were widely acknowledged by the scientific world he was not about to rest on his laurels like many of his 'colleagues' and instead he continued his pursuit of the absolute truth."
In my mind this passage tells more about Dr. Heintz and his motivations than the volumes which had been written about it by others who are not as familiar with him as himself. Despite his well-known appreciation for his so-called colleagues he did not hesitate to expose their inaction. This, again, is another manifestation of his pursuit of the absolute truth which has always been his unique trademark.
But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. If you go further down on page 276 you will find the following insightful passage:
"But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. This book is about Dr. Heintz and his contributions to mankind."
Can anyone put it any better?
And here is another mark of Dr. Heintz's greatness. He, and he alone, without any assistance from his colleagues, succeeded in condensing so much essential information into such a minuscule space. For example, on page 276 we find the following
'In summary, it is only thanks to Dr. Heintz's ingenuity and tenacity that these critical phenomena are now thoroughly understood.'
Seldom, I daresay, has such a brilliant life summarized in such a compact manner.
I would like to conclude this brief presentation by inviting Dr. Heintz to the
podium. Heinrich, pick up your big fat ass and get over here on the double."

Monday, March 30, 2009

Statistics

Nowadays we have statistics for almost everyone and everything -
Statistics for physicians and statistics for beauticians.
Statistical mechanics and statistics for Hispanics.
Statistics can do a lot for you. It can save you from disasters.
For instance, statistics shows that 60% of murder victims knew their assailants.
Evidently they didn’t know them well enough.
Here is another useful statistical fact that will make you think twice before you commit:
Do you know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce?
If you think this is bad, think about the other 50 percent - how do they end?
In statistics they always talk about the average American.
The average American likes sex and football, but not at the same time.
Let me ask you, ladies, and I don’t mean you, Rosie O'Donnell, how many times did you have sex during the Superbowl?
The average American also likes hamburgers, has one child, is overweight even though he jogs regularly, never had a real job, and denies that he had sex with Monica Lewinsky.
Speaking of sex, did you know that the average American man has sex 2.5 times a week?
This .5 time is when the phone company calls and asks if you are the decision maker in the house.
Another statistical fact is that Americans have less children than ever before.
The average child in America has only 1.5 siblings.
This is one brother and one half-brother (or maybe three half-brothers).
No area has been the subject of statistics more than health and in particular the effects of smoking. In fact, a new study shows that smoking is one of the main causes of statistics.
Another serious threat to our health is overweight.
The average American man is 2.3 pounds heavier than his father and 1.2 pounds heavier than his brother.
We even have statistics about personal hygiene.
For example, statistics shows that 23% of people wipe their ass with the left hand.
The rest use toilet paper.
In fact, we use five times more paper for wiping our body parts than for writing.
But despite all those health risks the population is living longer, and getting older.
The average American is now 12 months older than he was a year ago.
Statistics covers other aspects of life as well.
For example, a recent study has shown that the average American spends 10 hours a week standing in line.
And this is only at the Unemployment Office.
Another statistical fact is that Hispanics are the fastest growing minority.
They are now almost 6 foot tall.
Statistics also shows that the average American watches TV 6 hours a day.
And out of those, 5 are for the Academy Awards ceremony.
On the other hand, Americans read less and less.
The average American man reads only one book in 11 months and when he is done he begins the next volume of Spiderman.

10 Embarrassing Questions

Sometimes people innocently ask questions which are embarrassing and may spoil the atmosphere and damage relations. These incidents can be very destructive, and this is why we took upon ourselves to educate the public by presenting examples of such questions which, needless to say, should be avoided at any cost.
1. Who did your nose job?
2. How long are you planning to stay with us?
3. When are you going to pay your rent?
4. Did you just fart, dear?
5. How much did this hairpiece cost you?
6. Do you still live with your Mom?
7. Why did (s)he divorce you?
8. Are you still with Bill Clinton?
9. How much alimony are you collecting?
10. Is this your granddaughter?
Other examples are welcome - include them in your comments.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The New Spelling Bee

Moderator: "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night which will be remembered for generations to come. What we are going to witness here tonight is no less than a revolution in spelling bees. We are no longer going to ask the contestants to spell some weird words which nobody ever uses and no one cares about. We are going to be much more practical than that - we are going to ask our contestants to spell names. Of couse, these will not be regular everyday names, but names of the most adored wonderful creatures ever to set foot on this planet, namely celebrities. Unlike the old spelling bee which did not have any practical value, this one does have an enormous social and psychological value because if any of you, ladies and gentlemen, were lucky enough to know a celebrity you would know that they always insist on their names being spelled correctly. If you spell a celebrity's name incorrectly you are socially doomed. The penalty for that felony ranges from ignoring your fan letters to cancelation of your membership in the celebrity's fan club, not to mention the unavoidable contempt of the other fans, your classmates, your teachers, and your family. It is therefore important for our future as the leader of the free world to have no American child left behind without knowing how to spell all the celebity names by heart. This requires, of course, the dedication of enormous resources and, needless to say, encouragement and family support.
Without any further ado let me call to the stage our contestants.
First, please welcome Stacy Spelling from Alabama."
(applause)
Stacy steps to the center of the stage.
Moderator: "Hello, Stacy."
Stacy: "What's up, man?"
Moderator: "Stacy, how do you spell your last name?"
Stacy: "I don't."
Moderator: "Why?"
Stacy: "Cause I ain't a celebrity yet."
(applause)
Moderator: "Good answer, Stacy. Let's move now to our next contestant. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Vicky Bee from Alaska."
(applause)
Vicky steps to the center of the stage and pushes Stacy away.
Moderator: "Hello, Vicky."
Vicky: "Hello yourself."
Moderator: "Vicky, let me ask you a question. How do you spell your last name?"
Vicky: "None of your bizwiz"
(applause)
Moderator: "Thank you, Vicky, and now last but not lost, our third contestant. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
(applause) nobody comes to the stage.Vicky closes her eyes and begins to snore.
Moderator (loudly): "Please welcome to the stage Lilly from Wyoming."
Vicky opens her eyes for a minute and then closes them back again.
No applause. The moderator signals to the audience to applaud, but only few respond.
Moderator: "Well, it seems that our third contestant is lost. We will therefore have to continue with the two contestants that we have. Stacy, you are the first, and here is your question - how do you spell Condoleezza?"
Stacy: "Condo what?"
Moderator: "Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Moderator: "Sure. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice urged restraint on all sides."
Stacy: "What do you mean? How many sides are there?"
Moderator: "We are asking how do you spell Condoleezza"
Stacy: "Who gives a damn?"
Moderator consults with his advisors for a few minutes.
Moderator: "Sorry, we cannot accept this answer"
Stacy: "So don't, who cares?"
Stacy goes off the stage, leaving Vicky alone there.
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky. It is your turn now."
Vicky (opens her eyes): "My turn for what?"
Moderator: "Your turn to spell a name."
Vicky: "Ok, shoot."
Moderator: "How do you spell Bush?"
Vicky (giggling): "Watch your langauge, man"
Moderator: "Well, how do you spell it?"
Vicky: "I can spell his middle name."
(Moderator consults with his advisors)
Moderator: "Ok, Vicky, we will allow it. How do you spell his middle name?"
Vicky: "Dubya - D, U, B, Y, A - Dubya"
(applause)
Moderator: "Correct. Congratulations, Vicky. You are the spelling bee champion."

How I Became a Presidential Candidate

I was desperate. Wherever I went to look for a job they asked me if I have any "hands on" experience.
"I don't have any hands-on experience," I told them "but I have plenty of hands-off experience - everytime I lay my hands on my girlfriend she tells me hands-off."
This, however, did not convince them and, once again, I was rejected.
"It must be some character flaw of yours," my girlfriend said, and I had to agree or else...
I did not know what to do but after a few hours of deliberations I finally made up my mind.
"I am going to run for president," I told my girl friend.
To my suprise she liked it and said
"This is a good idea. You have all the qualifications."
"What qualifications?" I asked.
"First, like most presidents I know of, you never had a job, you are what they call an outsider, you never wasted any taxpayer money, or any other money, for this matter, since you never had any, and you hate big corporations. This is enough for me. You have my vote."
"Wow," I said. "Even I didn't think of all that. So what do I need to do now?"
"You have to announce your candidacy, I guess," she said.
"And how do I go about that?" I asked.
"Just call the newspapers and tell them about your decision," she said.
"And that's it?" I aked.said
"No, Sweetie," she said and I sensed that she begins to like me "Next you have to think about a platform."
"A platform?" I wondered.
"Yes, you have to promise the public something which they like," she said, "but it better be different from what the other candidates are promising them."
I tried to think about a platform all that evening and the only thing I got was a headache. I was desperate and before going to bed I told my girlfriend
"See? I barely announced my candidacy and I already have a headache. Maybe I am not fit to be a president?"
"Don't despair," she said. "Everyone can be a president, it says so in the constitution."
"It does?" I said. "Then why doesn't everybody run for president?"
"Because they never read the constitution," she said.
That calmed me down and my headache disappeared. I slept like a baby.
The next morning I called the newspapers and infromed them about my decision. They were too stunned to ask any questions and that gave me time to work on my platform which, with the help of my girl friend, turned out to be easier than I thought.
"All you have to do is promise to the voters something which they want without taxing them," she advised me.
"I know what they want," I said. "Money."
"So promise them money," she said.
"How will I get this money?" I asked.
"Do you ever listen to me?" she asked. "I told you to promise them money, not to actually give it to them."
"Ok," I said. The last thing I needed now was a fight with her.
"And that's all?" I asked. "Don't I need anything else?"
"Yes, you do," she said "but first you've got to have a name for your party. I suggest that you call it the Green Party."
"Green?" I asked. "You know that I hate vegetables."
"No, stupid," she said "Green like in money."
"Wow, why didn't I think of that?" I asked.
"That's because you are not a woman," she replied.
"What else do I need?" I asked.
"You need to decide who is going to be your constituency," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"You need to decide what group you want to represent - men, middle class, women, African Americans ..."
"You know very well who I want to represent," I said."Women."
"Then you have to promise to appoint a woman as vice-president," she said.
"But then all the men will vote against me, won't they?" I asked.
"Now you are making progress," she agreed.
"So what do I do?" I asked.
"Let me think about it during lunch," she said before we went out to McDonald's.
Only on the way back she came up with the answer."I know what to do about your problem," she said. "You need to make that announcement some place where men couldn't hear it."
"And where is that?" I asked.
"On Oprah," she smiled triumphantly.
"And if she doesn't agree to have me on her show?" I asked.
"Oh boy," she sighed "You still have a lot to learn about politics. Just offer that position to her."

The Thinnest Books

Every writer tries, or should try, to be as brief as possible but only few books are as thin as the following ones.
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY SUPERBOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Donald Trump
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS by Jimmy Carter
MY FUNNIEST JOKES by David Letterman
And the world's No. 1 Thinnest Book:
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Siziphus Retires

On Tuesday Siziphus all of a sudden felt tired. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. In fact, everything was the same as any other day. He got up as usual, ate his cereal, drank his coffee, and went to work. Nothing unusual happened on his way to work either, and he did not suspect anything.
Siziphus did not particularly like his work, but he did not hate it either. Sometimes when his friends told him about the troubles they had at work he felt lucky he had that job. It certainly was better than sitting at home all day long, doing nothing.
"What do you have to show for all your work?" his friends used to tease him.
"Not much," he admitted "but at least it keeps me busy."
Nobody could argue with that.
On Tuesday, however, he felt unusually tired. As far as he could remember it had never happened to him before, and it worried him. He decided to go to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"The problem seems to be," Siziphus said "that I feel tired."
The doctor checked him, looked at his chart and said
"I don't see anything wrong with you. Your blood pressure is okay, your pulse is fine. I don't think you have any reason to worry. We all get tired sometimes. All you need is a good sleep."
So Siziphus decided to return to work. As usual he carried the rock up the mountain, and everything was okay until he was a few feet from the top. He tried to push the rock a bit more, but the rock would not move. Even after he rested a while and tried to push it again the rock refused to move. Siziphus looked around him and when he saw that the supervisor was looking the other way he pushed the rock down the mountain. He returned home from work with a lousy mood.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"Nothing, I'm just tired" he said.
"Are you trying to fool me?" she said "I know you better than you think. Tell me what happened."
"It's nothing" he said "I'm just a bit tired. Even the doctor said so."
"What doctor?" she asked angrily.
"The doctor I went to see this morning" he said.
"You went to see a doctor this morning?" she raised her voice "Why?"
"I told you already" he raised his voice too "I felt tired."
"And what did the doctor say?" she inquired.
"He told me to get more rest," he said. "that's all."
"Ok," she said "we'll have dinner early tonight and then you can go to bed."
The next day he felt tired again and his wife did not let him go to work.
"You need to rest for a few more days before you go back to work," she told him.
"Thank you, doctor," he said sarcastically.
"You're welcome," she answered "I know you better than any doctor."
He was too tired to argue with her, and he fell asleep. For the next two days he slept on and off.
"How are you feeling today?" his wife asked him in the morning of the third day "and you'd better not lie to me." she added.
"I'm feeling great" he lied.
"I still want you to stay in bed at least one more day" she said "God knows you have accumulated enough sick leave during
all those years. It's time that you use some of it."
"Ok," he did not want to argue with her "but tomorrow I'm going back to work."
"There is something wrong with you, you know?" she said "Everyone else I know loves to stay at home and rest, and you just
dream about going back to work."
The next day he went to work. A few moments after he arrived he felt tired again. He went to his supervisor and told him that he was too tired to work.
"Ok, Siziphus" the supervisor said "but remember this will be four days in a row that you did not work. You know that if
you miss five days in a row we'll have to let you go. This is the rule. Think about it and tomorrow let me know if you
want to be fired or just retire."
Siziphus went home and told his wife the news. She was alarmed.
"Can't they find you another job there?" she asked.
"What other job?" he asked "The only thing I did all those years was carry that rock up the mountain."
This made her angry.
"It's all because you never listened to me," she said. "All those years I tried to push you to learn a trade so that you
could get another job, but you wouldn't listen."
"Learn a trade?" he tried to defend himself "When?"
"In the evenings, after work, instead of sitting here in front of the stupid TV."
"Sorry," he said. "I was too tired after work. I couldn't possibly learn anything."
"Well," she said "so now you, or rather me, are paying the price."
"You?" he said "What price are you paying?"
"You think it's a big pleasure to have you stay at home all day long?" she said.
"No," he said "as a matter of fact I am pretty sure it will be anything but pleasure, for the both of us."
"That's right" she agreed.
The next day Siziphus told his supervisor he decided to retire.
"Good decision" the supervisor congratulated him, and shook his hand.
"Let me just go and tell the news to my buddies before I leave," asked Siziphus.
"Sure," the supervisor agreed."go ahead."
His friends did not like the news.
"Who shall we play cards with now?" Armenius complained.
Orpheus was not very enthusiastic either.
"So what are you going to do now?" he asked "Sit at home and do nothing?"
"I can clean the garage" Siziphus said "I've been planning to do this for years."
"And what will you do in the afternoon? Rest?" Orpheus laughed.
His laughter irritated Siziphus and before leaving he said
"Why? What are you planning to do when you retire?"
Orpheus' question caught Siziphus by surprise. He did not think of it before, and now it bothered him. He thought about it on his way home and finally made a decision.
"I've retired" he told his wife cheerfully as he came home.
"Oh, no!" she sighed "So now you're going to hang around the house all day long?"
"Don't worry," he said "I won't bother you. I know exactly what I'll do."
"Yeh," she said "and what might that be?"
"I'm going to write my memoirs" he said.
"Memoirs of what exactly?" she laughed. "How to work for forty years and achieve nothing? I am sure this will be a
best-seller."
"What do you care?" he ignored her mockery "The main thing is that I'll be busy writing and won't bother you, isn't it?"
"I'll drink to that" she answered.
Before going to bed he told her
"The retirement ceremony is tomorrow. D'you want to come?"
"No," she replied "I'd rather stay in bed instead of meeting your buddies."
"As you wish," he said.
The next morning Siziphus woke up as usual, ate his cereal, drank his coffee, and went to work. All his friends were there,
waiting to greet him.
"They've already found a replacement for you" Orpheus told him.
"Really?" said Siziphus.
It was exactly then that a heavy rock rolled down the mountain and killed him.

Animal Rights

Good news. We have finally reached a state in human development where all possible human rights have already been granted, maybe not to each of us, but certainly to the majority, and who cares about the rest? They are only the minority anyhow.
The main problem facing us now is how to extend those basic rights to our beloved animals. After all, we are not the only inhabitants of this planet, and it is time that we share our rights with all the other creatures living on it. I believe that with careful consideration we can grant animals many of the basic rights that we enjoy ourselves.Take for example the three basic American rights. There is no reason why similar rights should not be granted to dogs, cats,and mice. Dogs should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cats. Cats, on the other hand, should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of mice while mice should have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of cheese.
But this is only the beginning. What we really need is a constitution that will protect animals from discrimination and favoritism, especially by the government. Right now it seems that it is us, humans, who pose the most serious dangers to animals. If we want to have justice in this world we must protect animals from humans. Let's make this world a place where "man bites dog" will not only be rare, it will be punishable by law.
We also need to protect animals' sensitivities, and that means, first of all, protection from insults. Under the new constitution it should be forbidden to defame any animal. Instead of using the degrading term "bald eagle" we will have to refer to it as "the hair-challenged eagle". We will not be allowed to call any human beings "cow"s, regardless of the size of their bras, and by the same token it will not be permitted to call them "pig"s, no matter how chauvinistic they are. Also, it should be forbidden to use the term "bitch" when referring to females of any species, including ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and, of course, female canines. The term "pussycat" which many male cats find offensive for obvious reasons should be replaced by plain "cat".
But along with rights there should be some restrictions. For example, birds should not be allowed to drop whatever it is they are dropping on any American flag and chickens should not be allowed to cross the road whenever they feel like - it is too controversial and raises too many questions. Only when no animal feels any discrimination against itself, will this planet be the peaceful oasis that we all dream about.

Ask Your Doctor

My erectile dysfunction and how it got cured.
One of the most severe dangers facing mankind today, aside from global warming and gambling on the web, is erectile dysfunction. Take me for example. I never had any problems below the belt. I mean my own belt. I did have problems below other people's belts, if you know what I mean. This was true until one day my cousin Dick told me
"You know, Ben, the older I get, the stronger I become."
"Oh, yes?" I asked.
So he told me
"Yeh," he said. When I was young I could not bend it, no matter what, and it caused me a lot of problems. For example, on a bus, whenever a lady came in and I, due to my good manners, wanted to get up and give her my seat, I could not do it and instead I had to offer her to sit on my knees. I spent most of my youth asking myself how can I shrink it. I tried many tricks. Once I tried to tie it to my leg, but then it fell asleep and it took me hours to wake it up."
"And is it different now?" I asked.
"Oh yeh," he said. "Now I have no problem bending it at all. It's quite easy."
"It must be those daily exercises you're having" I said.
"Yes," Dick said "I think so, or maybe it's the steroids"
"You're taking steroids?" I asked.
"Doesn't everyone?" he said "and you see? It works, even though I didn't break any record yet. The only medicine I am careful with is Viagra."
"Oh, yes? and why is that?" I asked.
"Because" Dick said "with Viagra there is a serious danger that you will have an erection lasting four hours or more, and I always considered myself lucky if I had an erection lasting four minutes."
"Yes," I had to agree and I reminded him "and you should also avoid taking it if you are pregnant or expecting to get pregnant."
"Oh, yes" he smiled "but we are trying to avoid this anyhow, if you know what I mean."
As soon as Dick left I decided to test my own strength - I tried to bend mine and indeed it was surprisingly easy. There was one conundrum ,though - I do not exercise like Dick does and I don't take steroids, so where did all this extra strength come from?
At about the same time I noticed a drop in my sexual activity, if you excuse the expression, and I decided to consult my doctor. To my surprise he was available. I scheduled an appointment and just a month and a half later I went to see him.
"Well," he said "what seems to be the problem?"
"The problem seems to be that in spite of my increased strength there is a drop in my sexual activity." I said. He became very concerned and said
"Yes, this is a serious problem indeed. How often do you have sex, may I ask?"
"About twice a month," I said.
" Hm," he said "and how old are you?"
"Seventy eight and a half," I said.
"For seventy eight and a half you look pretty good," the doctor said.
"I look even better for seventy nine and a half," I said.
"Well," the doctor was relieved now "at seventy eight and a half this is quite normal. It depends on your age, you know."
"But my cousin Dick is three and a half years older than me and he claims that he is having sex three times a week," I said.
The doctor thought for a moment and then looked at me and said "You know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"Start claiming so too." he said, and this is how my erectile dysfunction was finally cured.
My erectile dysfunction and how it got cured.
One of the most severe dangers facing mankind today, aside from global warming and gambling on the web, is erectile dysfunction. Take me for example. I never had any problems below the belt. I mean my own belt. I did have problems below other people's belts, if you know what I mean. This was true until one day my cousin Dick told me
"You know, Ben, the older I get, the stronger I become."
"Oh, yes?" I asked.
So he told me
"Yeh," he said. When I was young I could not bend it, no matter what, and it caused me a lot of problems. For example, on a bus, whenever a lady came in and I, due to my good manners, wanted to get up and give her my seat, I could not do it and instead I had to offer her to sit on my knees. I spent most of my youth asking myself how can I shrink it. I tried many tricks. Once I tried to tie it to my leg, but then it fell asleep and it took me hours to wake it up."
"And is it different now?" I asked.
"Oh yeh," he said. "Now I have no problem bending it at all. It's quite easy."
"It must be those daily exercises you're having" I said.
"Yes," Dick said "I think so, or maybe it's the steroids"
"You're taking steroids?" I asked.
"Doesn't everyone?" he said "and you see? It works, even though I didn't break any record yet. The only medicine I am careful with is Viagra."
"Oh, yes? and why is that?" I asked.
"Because" Dick said "with Viagra there is a serious danger that you will have an erection lasting four hours or more, and this is so dangerous that you have to call your doctor immediately, and I always considered myself lucky when I had an erection lasting four minutes."
"Yes," I had to agree and I reminded him "and you should also avoid taking it if you are pregnant or expecting to get pregnant."
"Oh, yes" he smiled "but we are trying to avoid this anyhow, if you know what I mean."
As soon as Dick left I decided to test my own strength - I tried to bend mine and indeed it was surprisingly easy. There was one conundrum ,though - I do not exercise like Dick does and I don't take steroids, so where did all this extra strength come from?
At about the same time I noticed a drop in my sexual activity, if you excuse the expression, and I decided to consult my doctor. To my surprise he was available. I scheduled an appointment and just a month and a half later I went to see him.
"Well," he said "what seems to be the problem?"
"The problem seems to be that in spite of my increased strength there is a drop in my sexual activity." I said. He became very concerned and said
"Yes, this is a serious problem indeed. How often do you have sex, may I ask?"
"About twice a month," I said.
" Hm," he said "and how old are you?"
"Seventy eight and a half," I said.
"For seventy eight and a half you look good," the doctor said.
"I look even better for seventy nine and a half " I said
"Well," the doctor was relieved now "at seventy eight and a half this is quite normal. It depends on your age, you know."
"But my cousin Dick is three and a half years older than me and he claims that he is having sex three times a week," I said.
The doctor thought for a moment and then looked at me and said "You know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"Start claiming so too." he said, and this is how my erectile dysfunction was finally cured.

If It Doesn't Fit

Excerpts from the proceedings of O. J. Simpson's latest trial.
Bailif : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Defendant: I am am not used to swearing. This is not how I was raised. In fact, my mom, God bless her soul, used to wash my mouth with soap whenever I swore.
This is why I hate soap.
Judge: Stop wasting the court's time.Just put your hand on the bible and say "I do."
Defendant put his right hand on the bible: I do.
Judge: What is your name?
Defendant: O.J. Simpson.
Judge: Are you related to Homer Simpson?
Defendant: He is my half-twin. We were separated at conception.
Judge: Ok, I guess we can proceed now. Prosecutor, what is this man accused of?
Prosecutor: He is accused of rape.
Judge: And who is the victim?
Defendant: The victim is me. She raped me.
Judge: Then I assume you're pleading innocent. Is this true?
Defendant: Not exactly.
Prosecutor: Then tell us what exactly happend.
Defendant: It all began with that book I wrote.
Prosecutor: You wrote a book? What is it about?
Defendant: It's about a murder which I did not commit. I was always afraid of commitment. This is why I was found innocent.
Prosecutor: I see. What is the name of that book?
Defendant: The name of the book is "If I did it, here is how it happened."
Prosecutor: You should be tried for raping the English language. What happened next?
Defendant: The lady from the National Enquirer called me and said that she would like to ask me a few questions.
Prosecutor: And what did you say?
Defendant: I told her she can ask me over the phone.
Prosecutor: And what did she say?
Defendant: She said she never did it over the phone and that she prefers to meet me in person. I understood the hint and invited her to my home.
Prosecutor: And then what happened?
Defendant: As soon as she entered my home she attacked me and tried to rape me.
Prosecutor: And what did you do?
Defendant: I told her I am not giving in that easily, and besides I don't have a condom.
Prosecutor: And how did she respond?
Defendant: She told me to buy a condom and then she took all my trophies to make sure that I comply.
Prosecutor: And did you?
Defendant: Did I have a choice? I was afraid of her.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Defendant: But there was a problem.
Prosecutor: What kind of problem?
Defendant: A size problem if you know what I mean.
Prosecutor (looking at his own groins): I see. Is it too big or too small?
Defendant: (consults with his lawyer): I will not dignify this question with an answer.
Prosecutor: Fine.What happened next?
Defendant: I tried everywhere and could not find a condom that fits, but then a friend of mine told me about the Casual Male XL store.
Prosecutor: They sell condoms?
Defendant: Why do you think they call it Casual Male XL?
Prosecutor: And did you find it there?
Defendant: No, I tried all the sizes that they have from 1 XL to 6 XL, but nothing fit.
Prosecutor: So what did you do?
Defendant: There was nothing I could do.
Prosecutor: Really? How about circumcision? Did you think of that?
Defendant: No, I didn't, I'm afraid.
Judge: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Prosecutor: What happened next?
Defendant: She came back a week later and tried to rape me again.
Prosecutor: Do you have any evidence to support this story?
Defendant: My lawyer, Mr. Cockran, holds all the evidence.
Judge: Show me the evidence, Mr. Cockran.
Mr. Cockran (hands a condom to the judge): The defence requests that the defendant be allowed to try it on in order to prove his point.
Judge: Granted.
The defendant tries to put the condom on but evidently it is too small.
Judge: Ok, this is proof enough for me. Now let's hear the summaries.
Prosecutor: Who in his right mind is going to buy this, excuse the expression, cock and bull story? I rest my case.
Judge: Mr. Cockran?
Mr. Cockran: The defence has proved beyond any reasonable doubt the innocence of the defendant. The evidence shows that all that the defendant tried to do was follow the well-established rule - If it doesn't fit you better quit. He tried to quit but to no avail. We require that he be set free.
Judge: Granted.