A Letter of Complaint

Mr. Ernst Graves,
Director, Holy Pit Cemetery
175 Final Road
Death Valley, CA

Dear Mr. Graves,
The purpose of this letter is to complain about the unprofessional conduct of two of your employees during the burial of my mother-in-law.
I will be the first to admit that I have never liked my mother-in-law, and that she, in turn, has never liked me either. As a matter of fact, we had a fight almost every day except Sundays which she spent mostly in church, thank God. It all began when she caught me pissing in the swimming pool. "So what?" I told her "everyone pisses in the swimming pool"
"Yes," she said "but not from the diving board."
She made many accusations concerning my personal hygiene. Those accusations were totally false - as our water bill can attest, I take a shower every other week whether I need to or not. We also had many fights concerning the TV remote control since she likes to watch football on ESPN while I prefer "The young and the restless", especially the young - they make me restless.
Yet, in spite of all those differences, I did not hold any grudges against her, and was more than willing to let her be buried in peace. As a matter of fact, I have been planning her funeral for many years. Unfortunately, those plans were made superfluous by the inaction and negligence of your employees as detailed below.
On the day of my mother-in-law's funeral two of your employees came to our apartment with a coffin to take her body to the cemetery. However, on the way down from the apartment to the street the coffin slid and hit the wall. This caused the awakening of my mother-in-law and she immediately sat up and lifted the coffin lid. As a result the funeral was canceled and my mother-in-law is still alive and well six months later.
The main victim of these regrettable events is no other than myself as is evident from the fact that since they took place I suffered from a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for mild depression. Since it is clear that you and/or your employees are responsible for the aforementioned consequences I demand the amount of $500,000 as punitive compensation for your employees' inaction and negligence. I sincerely hope that this will teach them how to conduct themselves in similar situations where human death is at stake.
Inspection of the contract between your company and myself reveals that you agreed to bring my mother-in-law's body as soon as possible to your cemetery and inter it there no later than December 29, 2007. Needless to say, this part of the contract has not been implemented as of today. I therefore demand compensation in the amount of $750,000 for breach of
contract.
However, since it seems that there was no malice on your or your employees' part I am willing to compromise and will withdraw this lawsuit if you acquiesce to bury my mother-in-law, regardless of her physical condition, no later than seven days from the receipt of this letter.
With all due respect,
Milhaus Poindexter