Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Tempest in the Pool

The sports world was shocked after hearing the Beverly Hills, Ca police chief announcing that Suzy Schwarzberg, the coach of the US olympic synchronized swimming team voluntarily admitted to taking contraceptives and giving them to some team members. Although the US Synchronized Swimming Chapter (USSC) of the US Olympic Commission does not explicitly forbid the use of performance-enhancing drugs the news created shockwaves across the nation and even reached Congress. In a special session of the senate Senator George Thornton, the oldest senator breathing, announced
"This is as much as we can bear. Do I have to suspect that wonderful group of women with those fascinating legs whenever I watch them? I love synchronized swimming and I watch it almost every day on my digital TV right after I wake up from my afternoon nap. Are they going to ruin one of the few pleasures left to me in my old age?" and the nation identified with him wholeheartedly. The pressure on the President to sign a bill which will prohibit any use of drugs underwater and authorize the FDA to implement it was enormous and he had no choice but sign it. Now the public anger was directed towards Ms. Schwarzberg and many called for her immediate impeachment especially after Senator Thornton announced that he will go to to Panama with his mistress if she is not. Only after Ms. Schwarzberg agreed to appear nude on the front page of the Wall Street Journal, support gay marriage in public, and be interviewed by Barbara Walters on the View did the public rage subside a bit.
The first two promises were easily and even joyfully fulfilled. Now only the third promise, the interview, had to be fulfilled in order for Ms.Schwarzberg to be pardoned by the American public.
The interview which was broadcast as a special edition of "Rightline" was a huge success. As a matter of fact, the number of people who turned on their TVs especially for that program was the third highest since the number of viewers of Superbowl XVII. and of American Idol IV combined.
"How could you?" Ms. Walters asked Ms. Schwarzberg at the beginning of the interview.
This got Ms. Schwarzberg totally out of balance and she just blushed and did not answer. Ms. Walters however had no intention of letting up.
"Didn't you know that you are a role model, that millions of young girls follow you and imitate every step of yours?" she asked.
"I did," Ms. Schwarzberg whispered.
"So how did it make you feel?" Ms. Walters continued.
At this point Ms. Schwarzberg could not take it any longer and started crying while Ms. Walters handed her a box of napkins.
"I only did it because of my mother," Ms. Schwarzberg said after she calmed down a bit.
"What do you mean?" asked Ms. Walters.
"My mother always told me that she should have taken the pill," said Ms. Schwarzberg.
This answer changed Ms. Walters' attitude completely. She immediately began hugging Ms. Schwarzberg and stroking her head.
"So you wanted to prove her wrong?" she asked.
"Exactly," Ms. Schwarzberg agreed "I just had to."
"Thank you so much, Suzy. I may call you Suzy, I hope," said Ms. Walters.
"Sure, Barbara," said Suzy "and thank you so very much."
They kissed each other and remained friends for good according to the Enquirer.

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