The Birthday Speech

Master of Ceremonies: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have gathered here today to celebrate
the 76th and a half birthday of our dear colleague Dr.Heinrich Heintz. Dr.
Heintz's contributions to our knowledge and understanding are too numerous to
count and I will therefore leave this task to his student and long-time colleague
Dr. Heintz Heinrich. Dr. Heinrich, the floor is yours."
Dr. Heinrich: "Thank you, doctor. Before I begin I would like to mention what an honor it is
for me to be here with Dr. Heintz, his colleagues, and his students. I see here many familiar
faces, not to mention other body parts.
As an example to Dr. Heintz's work from which all of us have learned so much I would like, with your acquiescence, to review Dr. Heintz's latest book entitled "Dr. Heintz's Latest Book" published by Heinrich and Heintz. It gives me great satisfaction to announce that this book is now on sale for only $12.99 which, in my humble opinion, is an unprecedented bargain.
Let us open the book at a random page, say page 276. I shall now read to you a short passage from that page.
"It is only due to the huge efforts combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
What do you see in this passage?
First, honesty. Dr. Heintz does not subscribe to the fake modesty exhibited by other scientists. He claims his rights directly and forcefully. Yet, if we read the passage again, which I am about to do momentarily, you will discover, in parentheses, that Dr.Heintz does not shy from giving credit to his coworkers when, and, I may add, only when, credit is due.
Let me now read to you the passage from page 276 again.
"It is only due to the huge effort combined with ingenious insight invested by Heintz (and his coworkers) that this extremely critical problem was solved after many failed attempts by the best scientists mankind has ever had."
For me, this passage is no less than a masterpiece, pure poetry, an artwork of words. It is solely in this context that this fascinating passage can be fully comprehended.
Let us move on. We are now on page 276 and toward the middle of the page one can find the following fascinating passage:
"While the enormous contributions of Dr. Heintz were widely acknowledged by the scientific world he was not about to rest on his laurels like many of his 'colleagues' and instead he continued his pursuit of the absolute truth."
In my mind this passage tells more about Dr. Heintz and his motivations than the volumes which had been written about it by others who are not as familiar with him as himself. Despite his well-known appreciation for his so-called colleagues he did not hesitate to expose their inaction. This, again, is another manifestation of his pursuit of the absolute truth which has always been his unique trademark.
But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. If you go further down on page 276 you will find the following insightful passage:
"But this book is not about settling accounts with his so-called colleagues. This book is about Dr. Heintz and his contributions to mankind."
Can anyone put it any better?
And here is another mark of Dr. Heintz's greatness. He, and he alone, without any assistance from his colleagues, succeeded in condensing so much essential information into such a minuscule space. For example, on page 276 we find the following
'In summary, it is only thanks to Dr. Heintz's ingenuity and tenacity that these critical phenomena are now thoroughly understood.'
Seldom, I daresay, has such a brilliant life summarized in such a compact manner.
I would like to conclude this brief presentation by inviting Dr. Heintz to the
podium. Heinrich, pick up your big fat ass and get over here on the double."