Tradition

If there is something that our town is famous for it is tradition. We are very traditional people and we pass those traditions from one generation to the next. How were those tradition born? Sit still and I'll tell you.
A few years ago our mayor had to quit his job because he was caught driving under the influence and since it was out of town the highway patrol did not know who he was and arrested him. He was brought to the judge. As soon as the judge heard the case he decided to get the mayor's job for his son, Charlie. Because there is another thing that all of us have in common - we all take care of our own, regardless of qualifications. The judge's son, for instance, had no qualifications whatsoever and could not get any job, and that worried his father and especially his father-in-law, the sheriff. They tried to make him a prison guard but he lost the keys to the prison and some inmates found them and got away. It was only then that the judge and the sheriff reached the conclusion that the only way to find him a job is by using their most important asset, namely their connections. Together they went to the council meeting and after a few promises and threats the council finally voted to grant Charlie a job interview.
When the judge got home that evening he wanted to have a talk with his son in order to tell him the good news, but he couldn't find him. He asked his wife
"Say, Doly. You haven't happened to see Charlie, have you?"
"I reckon he's in the bar," she said.
"What?" the judge yelled "I go to the council to find him a job and he just sits in the bar getting drunk? I'm gonna get the son of a bitch, you hear me?"
He went to the living room and came back with his shotgun.
"You be careful," Doly told him. "Remember the last time you used it you almost killed yourself."
The judge did not answer and just left the house and went straight to the bar. When he got there the place was crowded. He tried to find a seat near the counter but all the seats were taken. He looked around and his eyes fell on a young guy whom he did not know. He turned to the guy and said
"Hey, dude. Do you know who I am?"
"Don't know and don't care," the dude said.
"I'm the judge," the judge said "and I'm looking for my son."
"Well," the dude who was already drunk said " I'm Columbus and I'm looking for the place where the sun don't shine."
The judge didn't know how to respond but right at that moment he saw the sheriff get into the bar and he waived to him. The dude thought that the judge was about to hit him and immediately got off his seat and punched the judge in the face. Suddenly there was silence in the bar. Everyone was looking at the judge to see what his next step will be. The judge did not hesitate. He grabbed the dude's stool and hit him on his head. The dude fell to the floor and remained motionless.
"Oh, my goodness!" the waitress screamed and all of a sudden the bar became tumultuous.
Having no other way to silence the crowd in the bar, the sheriff pulled out his gun and shot in the air. The bar became quiet again.
"Nobody is allowed to leave the bar before answering our questions, this is the law," the sheriff announced, and immediately afterwards began interviewing the people in the bar. That process, however, was very slow and the crowd in the bar became impatient and began to complain. The sheriff understood that something has to be done. He got on his feet and announced
"You can have your drinks while you're waiting for your interview."
This announcement was accepted with applause by the crowd and an hour later everyone in the bar was totally drunk.
It was already late in the afternoon the next day when most of the people in the bar arrived at their homes and went straight to sleep. That day, April 22, is known in our town as "Bar Day" and is celebrated every year. All the bars in town offer free drinks to everybody on that day.
This is how tradition is born.

Jim and the Police

My buddy Jim got a new car and invited me to join him for a ride. We were going along I-10 when suddenly we heard a siren behind us. It was a police car signaling us to stop. Jim stopped and the police car stopped right behind us. After checking Jim's driver's license and registration the policeman asked Jim
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," said Jim "I don't."
"Good," the cop smiled "so that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, right?"
Jim was not amused at all. When we finally arrived home with the ticket he was mad as hell.
"Those smart asses think they're funny but I'll show them, you'll see," he said.
A week later Jim called me and invited me to go with him to Phoenix and I accepted. We were not very far from Phoenix when again we heard a siren behind us. Jim stopped the car and told me
"Now you'll see what I'm going to do to them."
In the meantime the cop got off his car, approached us and told Jim"Good morning, sir. Can I have your driver's license please?"
"I don't have any," said Jim
"Ok," said the cop "can I have your registration papers please?"
"I don't have them either," Jim replied.
"What do you have in the trunk?" asked the cop.
"Drugs," said Jim.
"Hold on for just a minute," the cop said and then went back to his car, called his chief and told him what happened.
At this point I began to worry and wondered what Jim had in mind, but I didn't say anything.
The chief showed up five minutes later and went directly to Jim with the cop right behind him.
"Can I have your driver's license please?" he asked Jim.
"Sure," said Jim and handed him his driver's license.
"Can I have your registration?" the Chief asked Jim.
"Of course," said Jim and gave him the registration papers.
"Please open your trunk," the chief asked, and Jim complied.
The chief inspected the trunk and did not find anything. He then turned to the cop and told him
"You told me that he doesn't have a driver's license, and yet he's got one, you told me that he doesn't have registration and here is his registration, you told me that he has drugs in the trunk but the trunk is clean."
At this point Jim broke into the conversation and told the chief "Now he's going to tell you that I was speeding."

The Lehman Brothers' Story

The Lehman brothers were separated at conception and even their mother could not tell them apart. She was desperate and the only thing she could think of was to ask the experts on Oprah. They all agreed that the best thing to do is to ask a doctor which, after some hesitation, she decided to do. She called her doctor and from that moment on her luck changed. The doctor agreed to see her as soon as he'll be back from his golf vacation.
On the day in question she woke up early, took a shower, changed her underpants because you never know with those doctors, and after putting on her makeup showed up in the doctor's office with the two brothers. Two and a half short hours later she entered the examination room, and it did not take more than another half hour for the doctor to show up.
"Hi, Ms. Lehman," the doctor said "What brought you here?"
"Hi, Dr. Phil," she answered. "It was bus no. 7."
"I guess you didn't come here just to see me," he said.
"Why not?" she said. "You are not so bad looking."
"Yes," the doctor said with a modest smile on his face "This is what they tell me. How can I help you?"
"I have a problem with these two," she said "I can't tell them apart."
"Hmm," said Dr. Phil. "This is probably an identity problem. Let me ask them a few questions."
"Go ahead," she said.
"What is your name?" he asked one of the brothers.
"Lehman," the boy answered.
"And what is your name?" he asked the other brother.
"Lehman," that brother answered.
"Which one of them is older?" he asked Ms. Lehman.
"I don't know," she said. "You see, they were separated at conception."
"So you had a threesome?" asked Dr. Phil.
"Yes," said Ms. Lehman. "I had three and then some. I don't even remember how many."
"Well," said the doctor "the only advice I can give you is to wait till they grow up and then the differences will become clearer."
He went to the door and was about to leave when all of a sudden he stopped and said
"Wait a minute, maybe we can do it right now. Let me give it a try."
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" he asked one of the brothers.
"I want to be a banker," the boy said.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" he asked the other brother.
"I want to be an investment banker," the other boy answered.
"What's the difference?" the doctor asked.
"What? You don't know?" the brothers said simultaneously "and you call yourself a doctor?"

Surveys

If you are on the internet you better like surveys because surveys are one of the best things that the internet has to offer. The only exceptions I can think of are those emails which request your help in transferring some huge heritage from Nigeria to your bank account and the announcements from the DESK OF LOTERIA PRIMITIVA INTERNATIONAL that you have won (for sure, not just "may have won") the amount of one million euros ONLY. Other than that, the main attraction of the internet are without a doubt the surveys.
This is why there are literally thousands of companies who only do surveys, and their goal is to give you, the consumer, the opportunity to express your opinions. Isn't this what democracy is all about? And honestly what's there not to like? It's true that those surveys may take some of your time, but this is a minor shortcoming if you consider their promises. Basically what they tell you is that if you are willing to share your opinions (and, frankly, who doesn't? opinions and troubles are some of the few things that most people are willing to share with little or no hesitation) you may win a free laptop or at least an ipod. Don't worry, the questions you are asked on those surveys are not very hard to answer. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to answer them. They don't expect you to express your opinion about the theory of relativity (I think it sucks, but this is only my opinion, feel free to express yours), all they want you to do is to tell them whether you have diabetes and you live in the US. If you have diabetes and do not live in the US, too bad. You have no chance of winning the laptop or even the ipod. This is one of the major characteristics of diabetes - if you want to take full advantage of it you have to live in the US. If you don't, you won't qualify. Now, if I were in such an unfortunate situation, I would immediately cross the border into the US, and I would do it as fast as I can because this offer is about to expire soon, and then what would you do? If you decide not to take that offer, forget it. There is a limit to their generosity. They are not giving those laptops and ipods to everyone, just to people who suffer from that horrible illness and clearly need a laptop or at least an ipod to maintain a reasonable standard of living.
There is only one way around it - they are willing to enter you into the sweepstakes, even when you don't have diabetes, if you show them that you are interested in improving your education (and frankly you should - only an uneducated person wouldn't take advantage of that fabulous diabetes offer). It all makes perfect social sense - they will help you if your health situation is desperate or if you are willing to improve your education. This is what made this country great - if you are not horribly sick, the least you can do is improve your education, and this is exactly what these survey companies are here for - helping people who are in desperate situations or are willing to help themselves. Can you think of a nobler cause than that?
But this is not the end of their generousity, not by a long shot. They are willing to help you in many other ways as well. For instance, let's say you need to put a mortgage on your house in order to pay your debts. All you need to do then is give them a few minor details about yourself, your bank account, your spouse's age (this may pose some risks), and your credit card number, and they will take care of the rest. There is no reason for you to worry day and night about your debts, especially when there are such wonderful companies which are willing to risk their own reputation just in order to help you. No? You don't want to mortgage your house? They can still help you. They can, for instance, get you a new cable service. It may cost you a little bit more than your current cable service, but at least you'll know that you are helping those companies, which means that you are helping those miserable people with diabetes or people who need to improve their education. Isn't it worth it to you? What are a few bucks compared to the feeling that you are helping your fellow man in a time of dire need?
The best offer of them all is home business. This is really a dream come true. It is well-known that by working from home you can make the money you always dreamed about, live in a house which will be the envy of all your friends, travel anywhere you feel like, and even give some to charity, thus ensuring your place in Heaven. If you don't believe it just read the testimonies of some of the lucky people who took advantage of this fantastic offer. They are there, on the website. And what are you missing? Going to work every morning, sweating for someone else? If you decide, like you should, to work from home, you will not have to be away from your family during the whole day. You can stay with them, and no doubt they will be so much happier. What do you need to do in order to have all that? Just order a CD or video cassette and they will tell you. It will, of course, cost you a few bucks, covering the shipping and handling (after all, you can't expect them to carry all the financial burden by themselves just in order to make you rich) but isn't it worth it to you?

The Girl of My Nightmares

A wannabe country love song

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she tortures me to death.
It’s her who gave me ulcers,
she ruined my mental health.

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she made my life a mess.
Her cat pooped on my mattress,
her pitbull bit my ass.

She’s the girl of my nightmares,
she drained my bank account,
and when I tried to stop her
she kicked me where it counts.

She's the girl of my nightmares,
I've let her drive my truck,
and seven minutes later
she ran over a skunk.

She's the girl of my nightmares,
she haunts me day and night.
Oh, God, why can't you make her
go back to Shaker Heights?

Taxonomy

For me, the best time of the year is April 15 - tax time. I even named my first daughter April. I wanted to call her Iris after the IRS, but my wife objected, because this is her brother’s name. April 15 is the only time of the year I’m happy I didn’t make more money - how would I pay those taxes?
But the real fun is, of course, filling those forms. First, you have to figure out what form to use. There is 1040, there is 1040A which is the Cliff Notes version of 1040, and there is 1040EZ. This is the one my sister uses.
The IRS is planning new forms. One is 1040BS - a special form for talk-show hosts. Another is 1040OJ which allows you to deduct your ex-wife burial expenses.
They even have a special tax form for aliens. It’s called 1040ET.
I think this is the best defense we have against alien invasion. Let them pay those taxes and I bet you they’ll think twice before coming to here. If, like most of us, they insist on paying those taxes, they don’t even have to make the trip, because the IRS has a new invention. It’s called TELETAX. It works like 1-800-collect, only the IRS are the ones who collect.
1040 is, of course, the heavy one. I don’t really use it, but I keep it on the bookshelf, next to Dracula, just to impress my in-laws. “Gee, son, you use the 1040. You must be making real money,ha?”
I wonder whether anybody reads the whole thing. Well, I do. I just finished the 2004 edition and can’t wait to start the 2005 sequel, because right on page 4 the IRS tells you how much they improved it. And they did.
This year the new feature is a CD which you can play on your home entertainment system. The music is great. I think they took it from Les Miserables.
For me, 1040 is the great American epic. And you get it every year for free. Is this a great country or what?
This is like having a new release of “Star Wars” every year.
I think the IRS should introduce some action figures to go along with the 1040.
There should be C3PO. This, of course, is your accountant.
Then there should be the Ewoks. These are your dependents.
The 1040 has everything in it - marriage, divorce, winning, losing. It even has drama. For instance, on page 5 you have “To file or not to file?” and on page 32 you have “Death of a taxpayer”. But the best thing about the 1040 is the suspense - you never know what’s going to happen next. You don’t even know what the next page is going to be, because they tell you “If the amount on line 27 is more than $18,000 go back to page 13.” Bummer.
My favorite part of the 1040 is line 33a. This is the part where they tell you “If you are blind, check this box.”
The IRS is the nicest Government agency we have. They’ll do anything to help you. First, they tell you your rights: “You have the right to be treated fairly, professionally, promptly, and courteously. You have the right to an accountant. If you can’t afford one ...”
Then, on page 33 they tell you “You don’t have to figure your penalties. We will do it for you.” Gee, thanks.
The IRS is also trying to save you time. For instance, they have a new form called 1040V (for “Vampire”) and there you only need to give the first 4 letters of your last name. This will save Americans a total of 227 million seconds.
If, for example, your last name is Olajuwan, you only need to write “Olaj” - a saving of 6.4 seconds.
If your name is Smith you only need to write “Smit” - a saving of only 1.6 seconds.
And if your name is Dickerson you only need to write ...
You get the point.

Mr. Blackwell and Dr. Hyde

A Hollywood horror story

During the day time Dr. Hyde, the plastic surgeon, was the nicest of people. He did whatever his celebrated patients asked him to do, be it a nose job, breast enhancement, or liposuction..
But as soon as the sun set on Sunset Boulevard, the day turned into night, and he came back to his home in Beverly Hills and took off his coat, he was transformed into his other self and became the horrible Mr. Blackwell. Wearing dark clothes he was stalking celebrities all over the town in order to find out what they were wearing. All of Hollywood was scared to death of him and his uncompromising judgment, wondering what will his verdict be this year. Every starlet from soap opera substitues to Angelina Jolie were asking their mirrors
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall will I be the best dressed of them all?"
Only few, however, were fortunate enough to win that craved title.
A much more cruel fate awaited those who were judged to be the worst dressed. Those unfortunate celebrities, who were also known as Les Miserables, could not show their faces in public and were shunned by everyone in town. Some of them even took the desperate step of moving to the Valley where they hoped they would not be recognized. However, thanks to the Paparazzi, they did not succeed to hide for more than a few hours before they were spotted, and then had to face the unforgiving camera.
The situation became intolerable. Actresses were afraid to leave their producers' homes at night for fear that they will be seen and reported by the horrible Mr. Blackwell, and instead chose to stay there all night long. This resulted in a flood of divorces which became so bad that the Enquirer was forced to issue a special supplement listing the daily filings for divorce. It was only then that the police decided to catch the culprit. A special investigation team was assembled and ambushes were set all over Beverly Hills to catch the horrible Mr. Blackwell in action. However, Mr. Blackwell proved to be very shrewd, even shrewder than the detectives of the special team, and after years of failures the team was finally retired.
Only then, after making sure that the area was clear, did Mr. Blackwell decide to come out of the closet where he was hiding and reveal his true identity to the entire world.