Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Two Tests

Today I have the driving test. I need to change my underpants because who knows, the tester may be disgusting like the tester in my last test. After I tried several times to move the car and failed he said "Madam, I'm afraid you have a restless leg syndrome. Let me try to help you." and then he put his hand on my knee.
I was sure at that point that I will pass the test. After all, none of my previous testers were as friendly to me as he was, but then we had the accident with the dog. I saw the dog crossing the street right in front of us and I tried to brake, but the tester's hand which was slightly above my knee on its way north prevented me from lifting my leg and braking. This is why I ran over the poor dog. Needless to say, neither the tester nor the cop who showed up soon after, liked it, and the cop gave me a ticket even though I tried to explain to him that it was not exactly my fault. I even tried to challenge him to try driving with my hand on his knee so he could see how tough it is, to which he responded very enthusiastically. Still, he insisted on giving me the ticket and promised me that with my qualifications I will undoubtedly succeed to convince the judge of my innocence.
"Innocence?" I said "Sir, I am not as innocent as I look. I was not born yesterday even though this anti-aging cream makes me look like I was. I have already used all the money that I made last night on driving lessons and I can't afford to pay any fines."
but even this did not move him. All he wanted to do was drive with my hand on his knee.
We began driving towards the beach when suddenly I felt his hand on my chest.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing" he said "just checking your pulse to make sure that you are not overly excited."
"And why should I be excited?" I asked.
"Some people are," he said. "Better be safe than sorry."
We continued to drive when suddenly he said "Oh, oh, your pulse rate is too high. This may be due to breathing difficulties. Let me help you." and he started unbuttoning my shirt.
"Feeling better now?" he asked.
"A little bit" I said.
"Good, but we can do better than that," he said and unhooked my bra.
This really improved my breathing but then I noticed that he is getting overly excited. He began breathing heavily and there was a swelling in his pants.
"Are you all right?" I asked.
He breathed so heavily he could barely answer but then he opened his fly and pulled out something that looked like a hot dog.
"What is this?" I asked "a hot dog?"
My question pleased him and he smiled.
"Yes, it's a hot dog," he said.
"Are you hungry?" I asked him.
"I am hungry for you" he said.
"Then let's find something real to eat instead of this lousy hot dog," I suggested.
"Whatever you say," he apparently was offended by my comment about his hot dog.
Right then I spotted a Dunkin Donuts sign in front of us and I told him
"See, I already found for you a place to eat."
We stopped at the Dunkin Donuts and he swallowed a dozen donuts right there. After that he could barely move and we drove back to my home. He moved in with me right away and declared that he wants to marry me. I had no objection - in my line of work it's good to have connections with the police, but after a while he started to get on my nerves, if you know what I mean. Every day he was testing me, pulling that thing from his pants and asking
"What is this?"
and only after I answered "Hot dog" did he leave me alone.
Finally the wedding day came. In the evening before it he decided to test me again. He pulled that thing from his pants and asked
"What is this?"
"It's a hot dog" I answered, but then he said
"No, now that we are going to get married it's time that you know the truth. This is not a hot dog. This is a penis."
"What?" I laughed "you call this a penis? A penis should be long and thick. This is not a penis. This is a hot dog."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Big Surge

(submitted for Blog Action Day 2009)
The sunlight woke James up. He did not hear anything and that bothered him.
"Where is everybody?" he wondered.
He was hungry and the hunger made him get up on his feet and look for some food but he could not find any, and he started to wander around. Suddenly he saw the sea in front. Then everything came back to him. He remembered how he tried to convince the other village people to climb the mountain with him before the sea level rises instead of sleeping on the beach where they had landed with their boats.
"The boats," he asked himself "Where are the boats?"
He checked the sea in front of him and finally succeeded to see three boats at some distance from the coast. He knew that there is some food on the boats. He remembered how they had loaded food onto the boats the night before they were forced to leave the island because of the rising sea level. Did they leave all the food in the boats? he wondered. It made sense to him. If they were too tired to climb the mountain with me, he decided, they must have been too tired to unload the food from the boats and they went to sleep hungry. But where are they? After trying for a while to make up his mind, his hunger convinced him that his only chance was to swim to the nearest boat and get his food there.
He began to go down the mountain toward the coast, all the way looking around, hoping to see some of his buddies but he did not see anything except a few birds and squirrels. When he reached the coast he was hot and sweating and without hesitation he jumped into the water and began swimming towards the boat. Suddenly he saw an object in the water in front of him. He did not recognize what it was until he approached it and when he did he was shocked - it was a human body. It took him some time to recover from his shock. Now he finally understood what happened to the other village people and he was determined not to let this happen to him. He continued to swim and on his way saw some other human bodies floating in the water. Only after he was convinced that there was no energy left in his body did he reach the boat and with his last forces succeeded to mount it. There was indeed some food in the boat and he just swallowed everything he could lay his hands on, and then fell asleep.
When he woke up he saw a white wall in front of him. He yawned and then fell asleep again.
He was waken up by some human voices who spoke a language which he did not understand. They were happy and shook his hand. A few minutes later another guy wearing a white gown, evidently a doctor, came in.
"Here you are," he said. "How are you?"
"I'm ok," said James. "Where am I?"
"You are here," said the doctor "on board of the White Angel. We are a rescue ship sent by the Red Cross to save the survivors of the Big Surge, but so far you are the only one."
"The Big Surge?" asked James.
"Yes," said the doctor "This is similar to the Tsunami but it is caused by an unexpected stream of water from the North Pole due to the global warming."
"Really?" asked James and fell asleep again.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

They Tell You

They tell you what’s cool, they tell you who’s hot.
They tell you what’s good for you, and mainly what’s not.
How much to drink, what not to inhale.
What not to ask, and whom not to tell.
Whom to adore, and what to admire.
What to abhore, and what to desire.
When you should laugh, and when be irate.
Whom you should love, and what you must hate.
They tell you what’s right. They tell you who’s wrong,
and you have to listen, and just play along.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Worst Sin - a Yom Kippur Tale

It was Yom Kippur, judgment day. After taking care of all the easy cases it was time to judge the heavy sinners. They were all going to hell, for sure, but even in hell there are bad places and worse places, and each of the sinners had to be assigned his proper place.There are seven chambers in hell. Chamber 1 is bad but not as bad as Chamber 2. Chamber 2 is worse than Chamber 1, but still not nearly as bad as Chamber 3. The worst is Chamber 7.
After sitting in his chair, God told the bailiff, "Ok, send in the first sinner."
The first sinner came in.
"What is his sin?" God asked the clerk.
"He is a thief. He stole things that did not belong to him."
"What exactly did he steal?" asked God.
"You name it," said the clerk "When he was a small boy he stole toys from other children. He stole money from his mother. When he grew up he stole cars. People worked all their lives to get those things, and he just took them."
"Hm," said God. "This is bad, but I'll give him a break. Put him in Chamber 1."
The bailiff took the sinner out.
"Ok, " said God. "Send in the second sinner."
The second sinner stepped in.
"What sins did he commit?" asked God.
"He is a bigot," said the clerk. "He hates everybody who is different from him. He hates people with different color of skin, different religion, different accent. He offended people, discriminated against them, and made their lives miserable."
"This really makes me angry," said God. "I created all those people, and I created them equal. No one is better or worse than the others. Send him to Chamber 4."
The bailiff took the sinner out.
"Do we have more?" God asked the clerk.
"I'm afraid so," said the clerk.
"Then what exactly are we waiting for?" God told the bailiff. "Bring in the next one."
The third sinner entered the room.
"What did he do?" asked God.
"He is a liar," said the clerk.
"And whom did he lie to?" asked God.
"To everybody," said the clerk. "He lied to his parents, he lied to his teachers, he lied to his friends, to his wife, even to his children. Everybody. He cheated people out of their money. He even lied to the police and had innocent people put in jail."
"This is bad," said God. "Take him to Chamber 2. How many more do we have?"
"Four," said the clerk.
"Four?" God sighed. "This job is getting harder and harder or maybe I am getting older. Looks like every year we have more sinners. All right, send in the next one."
The bailiff brought in the fourth sinner.
"What is his sin?" God asked.
"He was cruel to animals," replied the clerk. "He beat dogs, cut lizards tails off, burnt cats, plucked the legs off cockroaches …"
"Ok, Ok," God got sick. "I've heard enough."
He turned to the sinner and said, "Do you know who created those animals? I did. When you hurt them you're hurting me. I am sending you to Chamber 5."
"Chamber 5?" the sinner could not believe his ears.
"You heard me," God answered.
"I am ready for the next one," God told the bailiff "Bring him in."
The next sinner showed up.
"What did he do?" asked God.
"Just a minute," said the clerk. "I need to check my notes."
"OK," said God. "But hurry up. We don't have all day, you know."
"Here," said the clerk after a few minutes. "I found it. This guy was irresponsible."
"What do you mean?" asked God.
"He left his family - a wife and five children. As if it wasn't bad enough for his children to grow up without a father, he also took all the money and left them with nothing. His wife had to take three jobs to put food on the table," the clerk said.
"What did he do with the money?" God asked.
"He spent it, or more correctly wasted it, on his own pleasures," the clerk answered. "He bought himself a new car, a boat. He gambled, he drank. This kind of stuff."
"This guy makes me sick," said God. "I have no sympathy for him. Put him in Chamber 3."
"Shall we take a break?" asked the clerk.
"No," said God. "Let's get it over with. Bring in the next one."
The next sinner was brought in.
"And what is he here for?" God asked.
"This is a heavy one," said the clerk. "He is a killer. He took from people the most important thing - their lives."
"I am not sure that this is the most important thing," God interrupted the clerk, "but it is very important. Continue."
"Not only did he take the lives of his victims, but he also ruined the lives of their families, caused pain to their friends,
"Ok, Ok," said God. "I get the picture, and I agree with you. This is a very heavy sin. I am the one who gives life and I am the only one who can take it away. Put him in Chamber 6. Is he the last one?"
"No," said the clerk. "There is one more."
"And I thought we've heard all the possible sins," said God. "What did this one do?"
"Nothing," said the clerk.
"What do you mean nothing?" asked God. "Then why is he here? Doing nothing may be lazy, but it isn't a sin, last time I checked."
"Well, then, check again," said the clerk. "I believe that doing nothing is a horrible sin."
"How so?" asked God.
"This guy saw horrible crimes and did nothing to prevent them. He saw people cheated and did not tell them the truth. He saw animals tortured and did not treat them. He saw bigotry and did not fight it. He saw injustice and did not correct it. He saw children starving and did not feed them. He saw people attacked and did not defend them. I accuse him of the worst sin - indifference. It is people like him who make all the other sins possible."
"You know what?" said God. "You convinced me. This is the worst sin. He belongs in Chamber 7."